For the record (tune in here, men’s rights advocates), this is not a rant against men, it’s a call for society in general to do better . I have routinely had women pass me over for work because I’m pregnant, or complain that I can’t make an evening meeting because I have kids. In fact, I’ve had more women penalize me for having kids than men. And it’s only been other women who have called my parenting into question because I work. Sexism tends to play out in different ways with men, usually in the form of assumptions about my intelligence or grasp of a subject because I’m a woman, not because of any particular reproductive choice.
Nor do I think that the world owes me an easy life, or that I should get to make choices with no trade-offs, or have all these things without working really damn hard for all of them.
I do think, though, that we should cut it out with the fairy tales already. Stop telling women they can have everything without sacrificing anything. Here’s the truth: You want to have a career and kids? You totally can, but both will suffer. You will never feel like you are devoting enough time to either. You will never feel like you are good enough at either. You will never get time off (at least for the first several years). You will always be choosing between things that need your attention, and you will almost never choose yourself. You will be judged for nearly every move you make and you will never measure up to anyone else’s expectations.
If we’re going to embrace a new narrative for women, we need to change some social norms too. We need to make it truly okay for women to opt out of having kids. We pretend it’s okay today, but if it were, all my child-less friends wouldn’t get asked about it all the damn time and I don’t really think I’d be reading so many essays defending the choice to - gasp! - be a woman and not have children. Seriously. There are so. many. essays.
And don’t even get me started on the legions of women dealing with fertility issues and feeling like the choice has been taken from them completely, but still having to field questions about if and when they’re having kids. How about we just stop asking women about their personal reproductive choices, period? If they want you to know, you’ll know.
We need to make it truly okay for women to opt out of working, too. Not sort of okay, but behind your back everyone thinks you’re wasting your potential, so then you feel like you have to parent the shit out of your kids and run yourself ragged taking them to activities and teaching them things. But, like, really okay where you can have your friends over for mimosas in the afternoon and lock those little animals in the backyard for an hour if you feel like it, because Jesus Christ spending all day with a small child is exhausting and infuriating and any sane human would need an hour off.
We need to make it truly okay for women to opt out of working, too. Not sort of okay, but behind your back everyone thinks you’re wasting your potential, so then you feel like you have to parent the shit out of your kids and run yourself ragged taking them to activities and teaching them things.
Then we need to make it truly okay for women to opt in, too. Not in the way it is today, where you’re supposed to basically (and in my case, literally) pretend you haven’t had a kid and just take on all the baby duties without letting any other thing slip. But really, truly okay. Like, everyone knows you’re pregnant but doesn’t freak out and assume you’re not going to ever do any work again or that you won’t want to take on anything ambitious. Okay, like you don’t have to freeze your eggs and wait until you’re 45 to have a kid - unless you want to, in which case, freeze away - because otherwise your career will get derailed at 28 and never get back on course. Okay, like you don’t feel compelled to drop your newborn off at daycare so you can rush back to work, and then regret the decision for the rest of your life.
And we need to provide that support for all women, irrespective of color or income level. The VP at a tech company is no more entitled to maternity leave, job security, and adequate childcare than the waitress at a restaurant. It’s the price of not just allowing, but requiring, mothers to work. Which is what we do today. Working is not a luxury or a choice for the vast majority of mothers and we need to stop acting like it is.
I’m not talking about crazy special treatment here. I don’t think we need to get all Oprah about it and coo on and on about how being a mum is the toughest job in the world. Nor am I saying, as one men’s rights advocate put it to me recently on Twitter: “Give me money and special treatment. Because, vagina.”
I’m saying let’s make it okay for women to admit they’re pregnant, or take a little bit of time off to recuperate from having a baby without having to worry about tanking their careers. Let’s redefine “having it all,” or better yet let each woman define for herself what the best version of her life might look like. Because when you think about it, reflecting back on the first month of my son’s life and reveling in what a good job I’d done at covering up the fact that he exists is pretty fucking sad.
This article originally appeared on Medium.com.
Amy Westervelt is an award-winning journalist who covers climate science and environmental health for a variety of publications, most recently Teen Vogue, Popular Science, and The Washington Post. She also reports for various NPR stations, contributes regularly to The California Report, and hosts the podcasts Range and Tell Me About Your Mother. Her book, Rise of the Matriarchy, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Fall 2018.
Twitter: @amywestervelt
Do you agree, mamas? Are you struggling to marry your career with your life as a parent? Is it easier for us down here in New Zealand and Australia? Leave us a comment below…
I really appreciate the realness and rawness of this article. I feel like women are told to “do it all” and “have it all” way more than men. We are supposed to have children and take good care of them but not act like it has affected us physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. if you work full time your judged for not being at home, if you stay at home your judged for not working, if you manage a way to do both your judged for not doing either full time. we reallly have to define this one for ourselves. but societal standards and narratives need to change. 6 weeks maternity leave is b.s. by the way, in other places they get 6 months to a year. at 6 weeks post-partum you haven’t slept, your boobs are leaking constantly and if you had stitches or other “work” down there it’s still getting back to normal. it needs to be ok for women and mothers to do whatever the heck they need to do for themselves and their families.