4. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper emotions, like fear, hurt or sadness.
“Hate” is not a feeling at all, but a “position”, or a stance we assume to protect ourselves. Acknowledge your child’s anger, but then go under it to empathize with the deeper emotions spurring the anger. Having a chance to feel those deeper emotions will melt your child’s anger, and having you meet those deeper needs will keep him from needing to be angry.
“You hate the new baby? I hear you. Sometimes you get really mad at her just for being here. And I see how mad you are at me, too, for spending time with the baby. You liked it better when it was just you and me. You feel so sad that things are different now and I am so busy with the baby. Come snuggle with me and I will hold you and you can show me your sad and mad feelings. When you’re ready I will kiss your nose and toes and we can play baby games, just you and me, like we did when you were a baby.”
Why this encourages emotional intelligence:
- Since many parents had scary experiences with anger as young children, we’re often frightened of our children’s anger. Letting our child know that he isn’t a bad person for feeling rage helps him accept his anger as normal and move through it, rather than getting stuck in it.
- Most of us don’t understand that anger is a defense, so we don’t know how to manage it. Helping kids recognize what’s behind their anger gives them the tools to dissolve it rather than getting stuck in it.
Children need to “show” us how they feel and have us “hear” them, so meltdowns are nature’s release valve for children’s emotions.
5. When a desire can’t be granted, acknowledge it and grant it through “wish fulfillment”.
It’s amazing how often you can get through an impasse by giving your child his wish in his imagination. Partly this is because it shows you really do care about what your child wants, and wish you could make him happy. But there’s another, fascinating, reason. Research shows that the power of the mind is so great that imagining that our wish is fulfilled actually satisfies us for the moment, meaning the part of our brain that shows satisfaction actually looks satisfied on a brain scan! Giving your child his wish in imagination releases some of the urgency behind it so that he’s more open to alternatives.
“I bet when you’re grown-up, you’ll never go to bed. You’ll stay up playing all night long, won’t you?”
“You wish you could have a cookie. I bet you could gobble ten cookies right now! Wouldn’t that be so yummy?!”
Then find a way to meet the deeper need: “I think you’re hungry. It’s almost time for dinner but you can’t wait. Let’s find a snack that makes your body feel better.”
6. Don’t take it personally, and resist the urge to escalate or retaliate.
Your child has big feelings. They aren’t about you, even when he’s yelling “I hate you!” It’s about your child: their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions. When your daughter says “You NEVER understand!” try to hear that as information about her — at this moment she feels like she’s never understood — rather than about you. Model emotional self-management by simply taking a deep breath and trying to see it from her perspective. Remind yourself that it’s hard to be a kid. She doesn’t yet have the internal resources to manage her emotions — but you do, right?
Tough? Yes, because most of us find it challenging to manage our own feelings so that we can tolerate our children’s unruly emotions. But have you noticed the silver lining? We get a chance to grow in emotional intelligence ourselves. So if you got swatted instead of understood when you were a kid, it’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
Find the original article here.
By Dr. Laura Markham, founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
