By Megen Hibbins
Most people think that miscarriage, although normal, is nothing to worry about. Yet emotionally it can hit us hard and take us down into a deep sense of loss and sometimes depression. The severity of this can be magnified by more than one miscarriage in your lifetime.
So who is affected by the event of a miscarriage? Well this is where the whole subject becomes blurred, as the woman that has miscarried is feeling that deep sense of loss, yet she really doesn’t have the empathy receptors working (understandably) which guide us in the emotions of others. When the feeling of loss is so great, our emotions and empathy receptors aren’t in tune with the world, giving us a distorted view of who is hurting.
The husband or partner, who really looked forward to this beautiful little baby, is also deeply hurt and in pain himself. Yet he is trying to be emotionally supportive of his partner and help them get through the pain of this tremendous loss.
When it comes to the children, this is when things can get really hard, especially if you have never had and therefore never expected to miscarry. Most people tell their children first about the pregnancy, and most before the all-important three month time frame.
So what happens when you have told your children about the amazing little bundle of joy that the family is expecting and then the unthinkable happens? How do you tell your existing children that you have lost your baby and deal with their emotions while trying to deal with yours?
How do you tell your existing children that you have lost your baby and deal with their emotions while trying to deal with yours?
The hurt of this kind is more intense than others. Even if someone has been through it themselves, they can’t quite understand what you are going through. In fact, most people become confused by what you are feeling.
So knowing this, how do we as a family unit support each other so that the emotional welfare of all is considered?
I had a miscarriage this year, and after five healthy pregnancies was taken completely by surprise that this could happen to me. I had told close friends, and we had told our four young children that they were going to be big brothers and sisters in February the following year.
The morning of the miscarriage, I woke up and I thought that I had wet myself, which was an embarrassment in itself. As I took the short walk to the bathroom and flicked on the light I realized that it was a miscarriage. I was covered in blood and the emotions coursing through me were intense. I was panicked, stressed, upset, confused and unsure as to what to do.
So with all this in mind and the fact that I didn’t wake my husband at the time as I was trying to be considerate of his need for sleep and didn’t want to disturb him, I had to deal with the emotional confusion on my own for the next few hours.
The morning came and my husband woke and saw the distress and pain in my eyes and knew that something was not right. I told him what had happened and he told me I should have woken him. He was there and supported me as we were dealing with the emotional sorrow that had overcome us.