Reasons That Parents Get Defensive

On the other hand, I also worked with a woman who weaned her son when he was a few months old because her bipolar disorder was worsening, and she needed to stop waking at night to pump. Protecting her sleep was the single most important thing this mama could do for her mental health, and by extension her family. Yet she felt she had no choice and took any mention of breastfeeding very personally. This mother became defensive because she felt powerless. If she had felt empowered by her informed decision to wean, recognizing it as a healthier choice than risking a worsening manic episode, she would have felt confident in her decision.

This mother became defensive because she felt powerless. If she had felt empowered by her informed decision to wean, recognizing it as a healthier choice than risking a worsening manic episode, she would have felt confident in her decision.

4. We Suffer from Cognitive Dissonance

Sometimes we know what we’re doing is wrong. Our behaviors are contrary to our beliefs and values, and that makes us very uncomfortable. This state causes stress and thus defensiveness. For example, a parent may not believe in spanking, but she feels overwhelmed and resorts to using punishment she doesn’t actually condone. When we judge ourselves, we’re apt to see judgment everywhere.

What to Do Instead

The best way to avoid becoming defensive is to remain mindful. Having a greater awareness of our triggers and emotions means we can begin to observe when we react in a knee-jerk manner. When we can identify our emerging emotions and name them, we can choose a different reaction. Recognizing our defensiveness and choosing a different way means making peace with our vulnerability.

When we observe defensiveness in others, it’s not our job to tear down their walls. These situations call for increased empathy. We may be seeing a small snapshot of a complex life we can’t begin to understand. We can best support each other when we remember that parenting is difficult, and we’re all in this together.


Megan Stonelake is a therapist and parent coach who teaches parents all over the world how to become more peaceful. She has written extensively on peaceful parenting for Parent.co, Hey Sigmund, and The Huffington Post among others. You can follow her blog or schedule a session at her website. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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