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Toddlers Don’t Manipulate
There seems to be a common misconception that small children are devious and manipulative. The fact is, toddlers don’t manipulate, they communicate. When we witness a behavior we might view as manipulative, it might help us to stop and ask, “What is my child attempting to communicate?” It could be an unmet need for connection or an attempt to test our boundaries.
This doesn’t mean giving in to the demands for extra TV or a cupcake before dinner. Rather, empathize with your child’s inherent lack of power and give him reasonable options, “You love that show don’t you? You can watch it again tomorrow. Right now, we can read a book or you can play in your sandbox.” Providing empathic limits consistently will be more effective than doling out arbitrary punishments.
Given that toddlers have limited skills, we can give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re doing the best they can in a given situation, and it’s with our coaching and guidance that they will acquire new skills.
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The Best Solution for an Attention Seeking Toddler Is Attention
We’ve all heard the parenting advice to ignore attention-seeking behavior. This always struck me as illogical. When we ignore our children’s attempts to connect with us, the need doesn’t go away. Our children simply learn we aren’t going to give them what they need. Children are hard-wired to crave connection with their parents. When they don’t feel connected, they will reach out the only way they know how to get our attention.
The best solution is to take the time to connect in a way that feels meaningful for the child. Spend fifteen minutes cuddling, playing, or reading books. When your child’s need for attention has been fulfilled, the behaviors we’ve all been told to ignore will likely naturally decrease.
Keeping our expectations of our toddlers realistic will help us to see their most challenging behaviors as an opportunity to offer support and emotion coaching. Through these strategies we can raise resilient, emotionally intelligent children who feel secure in our unconditional love.
Megan Stonelake is a therapist and parent coach who teaches parents all over the world how to become more peaceful. She has written extensively on peaceful parenting for Parent.co, Hey Sigmund, and The Huffington Post among others. You can follow her blog or schedule a session at her website. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
