By Hayley Zemontas
I’m not a perfect parent,
no, not at all.
Some days I’m impatient;
I lose my head over something small.
Then I’m swamped with regret
because I often forget,
that it’s okay for my children to see me fall.
It’s okay sometimes that they see my tears,
that they know I’m a person
with big feelings and fears.
As a mother, the urge to protect is strong.
I want to shield them from a world
where things can go wrong.
Sometimes I can’t breathe
thinking of how they could be hurt.
I sacrifice my own wellbeing
because their needs always come first.
And I feel horrendous guilt
when I’m not at my best,
I feel less than they deserve,
like I’m failing an unspoken test.
But when I really think about it,
I start to see things clear,
and I hope that by being honest,
my children will express without fear.
They’ll know that feelings
are meant to be felt,
to be talked of and shared
for the sake of our health.
I hope they’ll have awareness
of their own sense of self,
know the importance of self care
and never cease to ask for help.
It matters that they know
even grown-ups need support,
so they’ll reach out as adults
without a second thought.
And I know for all the days
that I’m a wound, weeping and raw,
for all the sad, diluted days,
the good ones are a thousand more.
And it’s these that leave their mark,
that let my children know,
they are so special and loved,
and they leave my heart aglow.
I try to explain my mental illness
in a way they’ll understand,
and I hope when they are older
they’ll know I did the best I can.
It’s these open conversations
that will help them find their way,
that shows them I will listen
to anything they need to say.
I’m not a mum who shies away
from discussions hard or deep.
I’ll climb that mountain beside them,
no matter how harsh or steep.
And I tell them of my love
each night before they sleep.
No, I’m far from a perfect parent,
but I know I give my best,
no matter how I’m feeling,
I give 100% and not a drop less.
That might look different
at different times.
It’s dependant on my mood
and my state of mind.
But regardless of this,
I always try.
I want to show them it’s okay
to express and be held,
that vulnerability is a strength,
and feelings are meant to be felt.
Hayley Zemontas is a first-time mum to twin girls. She loves writing poetry and finds it very therapeutic. You can find her on her Facebook page: Twinmumtruths.
