3. The experience of “Yet.”
What happens when your child gets frustrated at failure, or that they aren’t good at something? You empower them with the word “YET.”
- “You’re just not as good at that as you want to be YET.”
- “You don’t know how to do that YET.”
- “You’ve learned lots of hard things so far in your life, and your brain is always excited to learn more. It just hasn’t learned that YET.”
- “You haven’t figured out how to succeed at that YET, but you will if you keep trying.”
4. The experience of accepting emotions and learning to manage their expression
When kids feel overwhelmed by their emotions, they crumble.
By contrast, kids who have better emotional regulation can tolerate the disappointment of losing, or the frustration of practising when something’s hard. They’re more likely to apply themselves, and to overcome setbacks. How can you help your child develop emotional regulation? Start by demonstrating emotional regulation yourself. Talk about emotions and how to handle them constructively. Accept and allow all emotions, even when you need to limit behaviour.
5. The experience of mastery
Developing grit — that willingness to be uncomfortable and work through obstacles as we pursue something about which we’re passionate — depends on the child working hard to accomplish her own goals, whether that’s mastering a jump shot, short story, recipe or piano sonata. Notice that the motivation comes from within, not to please us, so it has to be the child’s own interest.
Make sure that your child gets plenty of time to initiate and pursue his own passions, which isn’t always easy in this age of homework and screen time.
Knowing that someone cares, and is there to help him pick up the pieces, is the foundation of resilience. You can’t protect your child from the rain that falls in everyday life. What you can do is make sure that he knows how to find an umbrella, and has the confidence to make it through the storm. To teach him that, you don’t withhold the umbrella and make him stand out in the rain. You provide backup, coaching him repeatedly, so he learns how to find or build an umbrella — and has the emotional strength to do that, even when the rain pours down.
Now’s the time to start practising. Some day, your child will look back and remember that he’s dealt with hard times before, and he came out fine. It’s your unwavering love that will get him there.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
