- Punishment makes a child feel wronged, and creates a “chip on the shoulder” so she’s likely to resent making amends.
- Punishment makes kids look out only for themselves and blame others, rather than taking responsibility how their behaviour affects others.
- Punishment creates an external locus of control — the authority figure. The child actually comes to see the parent as responsible for making her behave! So punishment doesn’t help kids take responsibility for their behaviour as their own choice.
One study showed that seventh graders whose parents raised them using punishment, including consequences and timeouts, were less morally developed than their peers. “Having learned to do exactly what they’re told in order to avoid losing their parents’ love, they tended to just apply rules in a rigid, one-size-fits-all fashion,” said Alfie Kohn, commenting on that study.
So if punishment teaches our child all the wrong lessons, what DOES raise a child who wants to do the right thing? Loving guidance.
Many of the studies referred to above are detailed in Kohn’s book, Unconditional Parenting, and more are being published every day. You’ll also find a long list of citations (as well as tips to get kids cooperating without punishment) in my post How To Change Your Child’s Behaviour — Without Punishment.
Taken as a whole, this extensive body of research suggests that children who are punished (including with time outs and consequences) exhibit MORE bad behaviour, not less. Not because kids who behave badly get punished more often, but because kids who are punished are more likely to behave badly.
So if punishment teaches our child all the wrong lessons, what DOES raise a child who wants to do the right thing? Loving guidance. Which includes appropriate expectations and limits, set with empathy. Connection. Modelling. And a whole lot of love.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
