A good relationship is like a mobile dancing in the breeze. It requires sacrifice, compromise, give and take, and respect for one another – balance. A good relationship is mutually satisfying and leaves you feeling better and stronger.
But this nuanced understanding comes with maturity. A young child wants what she wants when she wants it and cannot be expected to halt that want to consider another’s wants. Maturity is the process of gradually understanding that others also want what they want. With maturity comes compromise – necessary for relationships to work.
In the parent-child relationship the obvious difference is the disparity of age. The parent cannot expect a maturity level beyond the child’s stage of development. That’s why parent’s are necessary in a child’s life – to use authority when a child cannot be expected to.
- So when a toddler runs away when called, it is to play a game, to be chased, not to be defiant. The toddler cannot be expected to consider the parent’s desire to get out the door.
- So when a child doesn’t want to go to bed, it is because he wants to play or be with his parents, not because he is stubborn and refuses to listen. He cannot be expected to know how much sleep he needs.
- So when a child is told she cannot do what she wants, she will react to feeling thwarted, fearing she will never get what she wants. Her reaction is not to “get you” or gain control, or manipulate you. It’s simply to get what she wants.
- So when a teen wants to be left alone and make his own decisions about his life, it is because he longs for independence and to be treated like a grownup, not a child. It is not because he is being belligerent and oppositional.
It is the parent’s job to understand where the child is coming from. It does not mean ignoring the runaway child, letting him stay up late, giving her whatever she wants, or allowing him to make all the decisions about his life. It is about understanding the child’s point of view that is likely very different from yours.
If you think, She’s got to learn, He can’t get away with that, She’s doing that just to get attention, He refuses to listen, then you will likely use some form of coercion to control the behavior to get the results you want. We know this does not work.
Go for a healthy relationship instead.
Bonnie Harris is the director of Connective Parenting. She has been a parenting specialist for 30 years, is an international speaker, teacher and coach/counselor. Bonnie has written two books: “When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It” and “Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With“. Visit her website: www.bonnieharris.com and follow Connective Parenting on Facebook.
