By Lisa Smith, The Peaceful Parent
I love listening to podcasts while driving and walking. I started listening to Oprah’s Soul Sunday podcasts – so good!
I am a pretty loud, high energy, intense person by nature and am always looking to find the balance of appreciating those strengths and at the same time find that peaceful, quiet, zen-like side to myself.
I consider myself a student of balance in my life, with my inner voice, with my parenting, and how I show up in the world.
So I was thrilled to listen to an interview with Oprah and Thich Nhat
Hahn. Nhat Hahn (the proper Vietnamese name to call him) is a Buddhist Monk and peace activist. He has written over 100 books on peace and 40 of them are in English. He went to college at Princeton and lives today in France after being exiled form his country for peacefully protesting the Vietnam War. He is active in the peace movement, promoting nonviolent solutions to conflict.
I had no idea when I began listening to the podcast on an average Tuesday while driving to Trader Joe’s that I would receive one of the greatest parenting tips ever from a peace activist who has no children.
Oprah asked Nhat Hanh about the value of deep listening. After a deep pause he responded:
Nhat Hanh: “Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion.
Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don’t interrupt. You don’t argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.”
Oprah: “I love this idea of deep listening, because often when someone comes to you and wants to vent, it’s so tempting to start giving advice. But if you allow the person just to let the feelings out, and then at another time come back with advice or comments, that person would experience a deeper healing. That’s what you’re saying.”
And in that moment, I was reminded that Deep Listening is at the heart of Peaceful Parenting.
I say often that kids (actually all humans) really, really want to be heard above all else. And they really want to be heard by their parents. They want to feel understood. I think the biggest compliment a child can give their parents is “you hear me and understand me”.
Deep Listening to our kids (or anyone for that matter) is a skill….one that needs to be developed and practised. It requires setting aside our ego, at times our anger and disappointment, at times our goals and dreams for our kids, our expectations and fears and just listen. Listening to relieve the suffering of the other person. Listening so they can empty their hearts. Listening so they feel heard.
