Interestingly enough, obedience to authority is one of the social factors that brings about what Baron-Cohen terms empathy erosion. As has been famously demonstrated by Stanley Milgram, people are very willing to administer extremely painful punishments to others if they are under the impression that they are authorised and expected to do so. Unfortunately, teaching respect is often confused with teaching obedience to authority.
Another factor is ideology, the notion that one’s motives are of such superior morality that any outcome is justifiable, any collateral damage forgivable. For example, we have a long, global history of people brutalising others in the name of religion. This is also related to a misguided interpretation of respect: if a person is taught to respect their group’s ideology above all, neither tolerance nor critical thinking will come easily. Those with different notions are considered enemies, variant ideas themselves a threat. This connects with Baron-Cohen’s final example:
In-group, out-group relations can also challenge our natural empathy. Baron-Cohen says, “When we dehumanise a group as ‘the enemy’ or as ‘less than’ we have the potential to lose our empathy.” The notion of respect has a disreputable habit of being easily tangled up with loyalty. Even at the family level, in-group culture can become dysfunctional when it is used to alienate out-group members as a means of increasing in-group loyalty. For example, in the same way that beating up the kid who was rude to your sister does not equate with respecting your sister; respect for the founding ideals of your nation does not justify the exploitation of others.
You may ask, well if respect is so dicey and doesn’t mean this and doesn’t mean that, what is respect?? I can only hope that all those parents who voted for respect are thinking about the kind that keeps us from damaging what is important to ourselves and to society. Children who are regarded as respectful have a reputation for speaking kindly and in turn; they share well; they practise patience and personal responsibility; and they treat others fairly. Might these behaviours also be described as generous, responsible, trustworthy… even empathetic?
At its best, I consider respect almost a synonym for empathy. Respect means showing consideration and appreciation. It includes respect for self. Respect applies to the needs, ideas, differences, beliefs, customs, heritage, rights, and dignity of all others; as well as for the environment that sustains life. Respect disallows manipulation, exploitation, violence, and degradation. It reflects notions such as courtesy, kindness, humanity, self-compassion, and tolerance.
Respect is a conceptual structure that asks us to have both cognitive and affective empathy. So then, doesn’t respect come spontaneously to the empathetic? I vote for empathy.
To my children: You may wonder how I intend to teach you empathy. In fact, I can’t. Your empathy is innate. What I will try to do is to nurture and protect your empathy with love and kindness, and by fostering experiences that connect you to others and strengthen your sense of self within the context of humanity as a whole.
Nelle Myrica Donaldson is a writer living Berkeley, CA with her husband and three children. Her academic interests and expertise are in biology, psychology and anthropology, and she enjoys writing about the human experience through the lenses of parenting, science, and speculative fiction. www.nelledonaldson.com
