Now, your child might offer, “Yeah! You can put away my shoes for me!” While that’s one option, not every parent would be on board with that solution. If you are, great – there’s really no drawback to modelling graciousness.
Alternatively, you might say, “I could do that. I also want it to feel fair to everyone. What could we try that would be fair?” Perhaps one of you suggests a shoe rack closer to the door, or some other solution that’s mutually acceptable.
That said, it’s important to accept some of your child’s ideas so they build trust in the collaborative process. That reinforces to them that you’re on the same team.
You’ll be surprised how often kids – even very young ones – are truly excellent problem solvers.
Model having an open mind, and you’ll both benefit from it. – On setting healthy boundaries with kids
The importance of being realistic – and specific – in boundaries with kids
How might specific and realistic boundaries in parenting look? I’ll share an example from my own home.
My child loves pillows. She loves sliding off the couch on them, pretending they’re lily pads and jumping on them, building forts with them, whatever. I can live with pillow play.
What I’m not comfortable with is cleaning up the pillows that have “migrated” from room to room throughout the day, every day. So, I knew I had to set boundaries around that.
Here’s what didn’t work: “Everyone needs to put away everything they’ve used throughout the day.”
Why wouldn’t that work? Several reasons, but for one, it’s far too broad. It’s overwhelming. Plus, I’d be a hypocrite – even I don’t put away everything I’ve moved throughout the day. I need to play fairly.
What worked better: “I see how much you enjoy playing with the pillows!” (This validates my child’s feelings about them and supports her fun.) “I feel overwhelmed when I keep having to put things back where they go, so pillows need to stay in their original rooms. You can play with them all you want, but living room couch pillows stay in the living room, bedroom pillows stay in the bedroom, etc.”
In taking this approach, my child knows she still gets to play. And I don’t spend the day wondering why every room in the house looks like it blew into the room adjacent to it.
The importance of supporting your kids when they have big feelings about non-negotiable boundaries
Oftentimes, when a child has big feelings about boundaries, it’s either because they feel they didn’t have enough of a vote or if they didn’t truly understand why the boundary was important.
Repeated struggles over boundaries are often a result of a child simply not feeling that their emotional experience has been heard.
Once we demonstrate to them, “Hey, I get what you’re going through and I understand your motivation,” it helps them feel seen and valued. From there, more cooperation happens naturally.
Along with that, make sure you’ve explained why the boundary exists – without over-explaining (you want to avoid sounding preachy and diluting your message). Whenever possible, explain the “why” from the child’s point of view. I’ll share three examples of setting boundaries with kids since this is often a particularly sticky area for loving caregivers:
- Example 1 of boundaries with kids: Your child wants a toy at the store and your answer is no. What wouldn’t work is this: “I’m worried about money and I don’t want to buy you that toy.” A child will probably not share that perspective. Alternative: “I see how much you want that toy. Let’s go home and I’ll check the budget, and we’ll see if there’s a way to get it sometime. Let’s take a picture of it now so we remember to put it on your wish list.” Your boundary is still clear – you’re not buying the toy today – but it’s more palatable this way.
- Example 2 of boundaries with kids: Your child wants to run into the street. That’s a hard no. Alternative: You make sure to proactively create plenty of free-range running at a local park or somewhere else that’s void of moving vehicles. When your child makes a beeline for the street, you remind them of where they can run. Then follow through at your next opportunity.
- Example 3 of boundaries with kids: Your child is insisting on dessert for dinner. You want to maintain your boundary of not skipping the dinner you cooked for the sweets. Alternative: You let your child plan the meals for the week alongside you so they feel like they’ve had a say; and you consciously build in whatever amount of sweets works for your family.
In all three of these examples, the child will feel “seen” – and with problem solving at the core – their executive functioning skills can grow accordingly. The ultimate goal of boundaries with kids is to create win/win situations.
If they feel they didn’t have enough of a vote but it’s non-negotiable, do your best to hold space for their feelings without getting defensive. Trust that if they’re opening up to you about their displeasure, they’re still opening up to you – and you want to reinforce that you’re a safe place to do that.
Co-regulate with your child and trust that like all storms, this too shall pass. If your child is open to physical touch, that can be helpful in calming their nervous system. Do what works for your child, allowing them to fully express how they feel.
The sense of confidence and calm that you exude will help them find their peace again. Let your tone, your words, and your heart be gentle with them.
The point of boundaries with kids is to foster healthy relationships with everyone’s physical and emotional safety at the center
Remember that boundaries with kids are not brick walls. Actively listen to your child and remember you’re raising a child, not following a rule book for so-called proper living. Your job is to figure out what works for everyone in your home, and how you can live together peacefully.
When you’re an emotionally safe place for your child, they’ll learn that even when all of their behaviours might not be acceptable, all of their feelings are. The empathy you show your child while you’re navigating boundaries together will connect you both. Your relationship will be stronger for working alongside them.
Sarah discusses a new perspective on boundaries with kids. For more information about healthy boundaries with kids, check out this short course.
Sarah R. Moore is an internationally published writer and the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. You can follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram. She’s currently worldschooling her family. Her glass is half full.
