What if, instead, the parent said: “You know better than to climb on that! You naughty boy! Can’t you stop giving me trouble for one minute?” What does he learn? He’s naughty, bad, a source of trouble for his parents. The things he wants to do are bad. Exploring is bad, climbing is bad. He should be different, he’s not good enough the way he is.
He hears the No. And he feels the mild shame that is the biological result of reining in his impulses. But now that shame is all mixed up with the feeling of being a bad boy who is trouble for his parents. He can’t bear that feeling, so he climbs away from them, higher.
Does he WANT to switch gears, to “listen”? Not really. He’s already given up on pleasing his parents. Sure, they can haul him off the TV cabinet (and all of us will, since this is a safety issue), but he isn’t CHOOSING to follow their lead. So he isn’t actually building the neural wiring he needs to switch gears.
He’s overwhelmed with shame. But that feels so unbearable that he will do anything not to feel it.
Now, his long-suffering mom gives him a timeout, so he’ll learn to “listen.” As he sits in timeout, does he vow to obey her next time? Not likely. He’s overwhelmed with shame. But that feels so unbearable that he will do anything not to feel it. Instead of showing remorse, he lashes out in anger. He blames others. He rebels against that developing voice of conscience in his head. He becomes defiant.
Notice that this shame that manifests as defiance is from both the criticism and the punishment. We can also create shame by ridiculing kids, or by making them feel like something about them isn’t good enough.
If these interactions are repeated throughout childhood, the shame can become toxic; the beginning of a fear of being defective that can shadow us through life. We push it down out of awareness, but we still feel it, so we soothe ourselves with over-eating, screen time, overwork. Most adults stumble across this repressed shame occasionally – usually when we feel embarrassed in public – and find it at least temporarily disabling.
Of course, we can’t let our child climb where it’s dangerous. And kids are exuberant and strong-willed; they don’t always obey our commands, no matter how hard we try to stay connected. So how can we get them cooperating without creating shame?
