- Resist the urge to punish.
Giving a child the message that he needs to shift gears can be done simply by empathizing, redirecting an impulse, and setting a limit. That’s how he learns right and wrong. You never need to show the child he was wrong by punishing him.
Punishment, by definition, is an action with an intent to hurt, either physically or emotionally, in order to teach a lesson. Punishment is effective only to the degree that the child experiences it as painful, so while parents may think they’re using “loving discipline” to teach their child, the child will never experience pain that is purposefully caused by the parent as loving. In fact, the child will experience shame.
Punishment intensifies the shame response to toxic levels and sends the clear message that the child is so bad that the people who are supposed to nurture and protect her are intentionally hurting her, either physically or emotionally.
Your child might respond to this by trying very, very hard to be a very good girl, her whole life. (If you think that’s a good outcome, have a conversation with an adult like this about her tendency to anxiety or depression.)
Or, she might respond with anger. If you were one of these kids, you might have noticed anger when you did the exercise above and said NO! These kids become defiant and resist their parents’ guidance.
Luckily, you don’t need to punish to get kids cooperating.
Either way, punishment always creates shame. Luckily, you don’t need to punish to get kids cooperating. Connection is a better motivator anyway, and helps you set more effective limits. The climbing kid is more likely to come down when you call if there’s something he wants more than to climb — that warm relationship with you.
That’s how you raise a child who:
Can manage her feelings so she can manage her behavior
WANTS to follow your guidance (in other words, is cooperative and has a conscience), and
Knows, deep in her bones, that she is more than enough, just the way she is.
Anything less, as my mother in law would have said, is a “shandeh” — “such a shame.”
Find the original article here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends For Life and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Find her online at AhaParenting.com
