Things were better, but not perfect. One day, my wife returned from work to a moody toddler and husband. She insisted I try the bouldering gym I’d been interested in. She said they’d be fine and probably better off without my outbursts. I went. The combination of physical exertion and mental focus was sublime. Upon reflection, I hadn’t meditated, exercised or slept through the night for quite some time. Bouldering became my weekly brain reset.
I had made significant progress, but there were still times when my aggression went unchecked. While on a long drive, with our daughter sound asleep, we spoke openly about other options.
My wife, a clinical neuropsychologist, encouraged me to develop a strategy, a predetermined, repeatable action to use when anger was most persuasive.
I understood the logic of a strategy but couldn’t see how to apply one when I was most challenged-when taken by surprise.
One night, while in a deep sleep, I received a hard kick to the base of my spine. I felt energy rise up my back and I was instantly alert, as though I had consumed a double espresso intravenously. My body was primed for an intruder, but instead, I turned over and found my daughter kicking the bed-covers off. False alarm. Full of adrenaline, I lay awake for three hours.
I needed a way to rapidly override my body’s reflexes, to stop perceiving toddler tantrums as a physical threat.
The answer was surprisingly simple: I smiled. This simple act helped my body relax. It sent an internal message that everything was fine: the adrenaline won’t be necessary.
I know this person and she is learning how to control her emotions; a journey I’m still on, albeit with a few decades more practice.
My three steps to remaining calm with a toddler
Prevent
Create situations each day that encourage good behaviour, such as giving your child your full attention during imaginary play or being in a calming environment like a park or the beach. Try to minimise phone use when you’re with your child.
Recover
Respect your own needs. Make sure you and your partner create time for each other to engage in a stress relieving physical activity such as a hike, yoga class or social sport. Call on grandparents or pay for a babysitter if there is no other option.
Plan
Have a strategy for when things get heated. Once anger takes hold it’s nearly impossible to reason your way back to mindfulness. Try implementing a pre-determined breathing exercise, mantra or a simple smile. Use the same strategy consistently, it will soon become second nature.
Jeremy is the co-founder of the independent publishing house Leabrook Press and author of the books Graduates’ Guide to Work and Why Do I Lose Trading Forex? He also writes the blog Compounding Time which explores how we can best spend our time, now and into the future. After completing his tertiary education in mechanical engineering and commerce, Jeremy spent a decade in full-time supply chain roles across three diverse industries before deciding to refocus. He is now a father, publisher and part-time member of the work force. He lives in Adelaide, Australia, with his wife and two young children.
