Listen empathically and validate your child’s feelings
Once you become aware of your child’s emotions, it is important to listen-really listen-to your child’s experience. When your child is sharing their thoughts and feelings with you, practise giving them your undivided attention. You can show them you are listening deeply to what they are saying by reflecting back (paraphrasing) what they have said to you. You might say things like, “Ok, it sounds like you are feeling angry because I spent more time with your brother yesterday.” Once you have listened deeply, it is helpful to validate your child’s experience. “I understand. It can feel unfair and make you angry when we don’t get as much time together as you need.”
Help your child verbally label emotions
Children learn to verbally communicate how they feel through their conversation with others and by watching how you communicate your own emotions. I often say to parents that children learn about their emotions from the outside in! When you become aware of your child’s emotions through their non-verbal and verbal communication, you can help them to label the emotions they might be experiencing. Let’s say your child is about to leave for a friend’s birthday party when they start to fidget, complain of a tummy ache, and say they don’t want to go. You might reflect, “Honey, you seem anxious. Are you feeling nervous about the party today?” By helping children to label their emotions, you not only help them to make sense of their internal experience, but you also help them build their emotional literacy and their ability to communicate their emotions to others. These skills are essential for highly sensitive kids to thrive as highly sensitive adults.
When you become aware of your child’s emotions through their non-verbal and verbal communication, you can help them to label the emotions they might be experiencing.
Set limits when necessary while helping your child to problem-solve
There are times when we all need to set limits with our kids. It’s important to move through steps 1-4 before setting limits when possible. For example, if your child becomes aggressive towards their sibling, it is helpful to listen to how they feel and validate their experience before setting limits around aggression. That might sound like, “You felt really angry with your sister because she walked through your Legos and broke your castle. You spent a long time building that. I get it and I’m sorry that happened. I can’t let you push your sister when you’re angry, but let’s think about other things you can do when you feel angry.”
FINAL THOUGHT
Sometimes when children are upset or bothered by something, they simply need us to hear them, understand them, and empathise with their experience. Often that will help them feel calmer and settled and there is no need to solve the problem. Other times, children may need help to solve the problem. As with limit-setting, problem-solving should occur only after your child feels that you have really listened to them and understood how they feel.
Learn more about helping kids handle big emotions with Emotion Coaching. Also, read Dr. John Gottman’s “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.”
Originally published here on the Gottman Institute.
Rachel Samson, M.Psych(Clin) is an Australian-based Clinical Psychologist and Parent Coach who has a special interest in parent-child attachment and the trait of high sensitivity. Rachel runs a private practice that provides online therapy to adults, parents, and families and also writes on the topics of parenting, child development, temperament, and mental health for various publications. She runs the Instagram page @australianpsychologist. Visit her website.
