By Dr. Laura Markham
Enthusiasm. Engagement. It’s almost the definition of childhood. A jaded, withdrawn child is a red flag that something is very wrong. But what happens as they grow up, and modern life gets in the way?
“If I were able to give my children any gift to sustain them in life, I believe I might give them passion for what they do. For if they can live from the heart, they will surely touch the sky.”
-Steve Goodier
We all recognise that feeling of full engagement that gives meaning to our lives, when we apply ourselves so completely to the task at hand that we tap into all our resources and then some we never knew we had.
Abraham Maslow described these as “peak moments”; sports stars call it “being in the zone”; Zen masters express it as being fully present. Somehow, we bring ourselves so completely to the moment that we seem to step out of time, even out of ourselves. For all of us, it is when we are most fully alive.
Zen masters, of course, can experience this ecstatic state while doing the laundry or stirring the oatmeal, and such experiences, at least occasionally, are one of the many benefits of a regular meditation practice or athletic regimen. Small children actually live in this state much of the time.
Most humans, however, are more likely to experience peak moments while striving towards a goal. Dopamine, a highly pleasurable neurotransmitter released in the brain in response to alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, cocaine and other mood altering drugs, is naturally present in the brain when we wholeheartedly pursue a goal.
So we might think of the neurotransmitters that “reward” us for pursuing our goals as nature’s way of insuring that we stay motivated and engaged. Study after study exploring happiness indicates that humans are happiest when they are mobilising all their resources in a challenging but do-able activity, tracking a reward. (The happiness is greatest during the pursuit, not the achievement, of the reward.)
There was a time when pursuing goals meant putting food on the table, keeping the tribe safe, or excelling at intellectual, athletic or artistic pursuits. Unfortunately, the satisfaction and pleasure humans get from achieving goals in our culture has become warped by the emphasis on money and possessions. The attainment of material wealth, including higher salaries, is less satisfying the more we have. And by occupying all of our time and energy, it can devalue other pursuits and leave us with more shallow lives.
Unfortunately, this is true for kids as well. Studies show that affluent children are less enthusiastic, less likely to report deriving pleasure from their activities, and more likely to report being bored. They also report being under more pressure from parents to perform academically and in extracurricular activities, which can take the joy out of simply pursuing their own passions.
Engagement is protective for all of us, adults and kids alike. It gives depth to our lives. And it inoculates children against some of the temptations they face. Kids who are passionate about something – basketball, chess, collecting comic books, playing the trumpet – tend to protect their passion. Smoking compromises the trumpet player’s wind, late nights carousing throw off the ball player’s game, and the serious student knows she wants her mind clear for tomorrow’s test.
Engagement also develops the executive function of the prefrontal cortex. The pursuit of anything meaningful will inevitably present us with hurdles to overcome. When kids are passionate about something, they’re motivated to develop the patience, determination, creative stamina and problem-solving ability to strive towards their goal.
So how can we help our children to experience the rewards of full engagement?
1. Remember that happiness results more from the fully engaged pursuit of a meaningful goal than from its attainment.
As hard as it is for you, don’t be too quick to satisfy all your child’s desires. She’ll get much satisfaction if you help her set meaningful goals and work towards them. In our age of instant gratification, this is a lost art form.
2. Help kids find something meaningful to them to strive for.
Most kids today don’t have to work and save for that new bike; we buy it for them as soon as they outgrow their old one.
There’s nothing wrong with buying him the bike for his birthday. But what other goal would matter for him? Shooting a certain number of baskets in a row? Landing a part in the school play? Reading the collected works of Shakespeare? Coaxing a smile from the dour old lady at the corner store? Organising the other kids to ask the city council for a new soccer field?
3. Support their passions, don’t try to give them yours.
Your fourteen-year-old spends every spare moment practising with his band, when you wish he would study more? Go ahead and uphold family standards (“Homework comes first!”) but recognise how lucky you are that your son has found himself the passion of making music.
Usually kids develop passions one step at a time, when they get encouragement and support from parents about a new interest. Remember that it’s fine for you to come up with suggestions, but if you have to provide the momentum, it isn’t their passion.
