The beauty in the darkness
Despite it being a place of confusion and pain at times, this stage is a constructive and necessary part of our development.
Society tells us that we must ‘get over it’ and be positive, but this is not based on the reality of life.
The light of life is revered as the only ‘right’ way to be but we don’t grow when there is only light. The darkness of life is as normal and constructive as the light and yet very few people talk about it. It is through this time that we evolve.
We can only know happiness if we have known sadness.
We can only know clarity if we have known confusion.
If we allow ourself the space to be in the discomfort that is naturally part of this stage, we will be rewarded with clarity and integration.
In Japanese culture, this neutral space – a place for pause – is revered as necessary to be able to know how to act next.
Being over doing
Productivity and effectiveness can be absent, and this can be personally painful. We can be so used to and rewarded for productivity and effectiveness before motherhood. And let’s face it, the world rewards productivity and effectiveness over silence, space and reflection.
This is a time of becoming rather than achieving.
There are three critical aspects to this stage:
- Disorientation: This can feel like a journey where you have left behind the old and are looking to discover something new. You are lost enough to find yourself now – Robert Frost.
- Disintegration: This can feel like everything has fallen apart and can even feel like you know nothing, and that parts of you are dying off. Old patterns that you felt were long resolved can arise once more for further integration. The pain of letting go is real, and it is a great idea to proactively seek professional support to help you make sense of it all.
- Discovery: According to Bridges, “in the ancient rites of passage that used to carry a person through periods of transition, the Neutral Zone was spent in a literal ‘nowhere’. There, in the desert or forest or tundra, the person could break away from the social forces that held his or her old reality in place, and a new reality could emerge. The Neutral Zone wilderness was believed to be a point of closer access to the spirits or the deeper levels of reality, and so the Plains Indians called the journey into the wilderness a ‘vision quest’. Along with the pain and confusion that can accompany the Neutral Zone, it is also one of great creativity and discovery”.
There have been many incredible creative works of art in all domains that have occurred in a Neutral Zone for the creative. In this time, we are more likely to learn what we really want rather than adhere to what society or others tells us what we ‘should’ be.
New Beginnings
New beginnings emerge from the learnings obtained through the Neutral Zone. Despite us naturally wanting to fast forward to New Beginnings, it will appear when the time is right for us. New Beginnings doesn’t mean that life no longer has suffering, or that it is always easy, but in this stage, we have truly let go of the old, learned about ourselves and created a future we feel content about pursuing.
Creating a new beginning is much more than simply starting a new life. It involves developing new competencies, new relationships, becoming comfortable in the new rhythm and way of being. It can feel like a rebirth – the birth of a mother.
In early motherhood, this can mean a sense of rhythm and relief and optimism for the new life. We can realise that we know more than we thought and we have cycled through many of the firsts and survived and ultimately thrived.
As we progress through motherhood, new beginnings can come with the acceptance of the cycles of motherhood (and life) and that we are works-in-progress – everchanging and flowing with what motherhood asks from us. We can progress our own projects and passions and feel a sense of flourishing.
Passing through the stages can feel like a wild and confusing ride, one that cannot be rushed or skipped over. The psychological experience of transitions can be painful and also constructive.
The journey is not linear with a specific ‘right’ timeframe. It can be more the experience of two steps backward and one step forward. It is messy and, it is also necessary for our growth. The reward at the end is a version of yourself that you love more than the old you.
Reflection
- What stage do you feel you are in right now?
- What is necessary for your stage: acceptance, letting go, discovery, learning, doubling down on support, other?
- What thoughts and emotions arise for you as you read about the stage you are in?
- If there is no problem to solve right now, what would exist?
- What support do you need to move through your transition? It is natural and encouraged that we all seek professional support as we journey through life transitions.
The Motherhood Gathering is opening a new, free community online to support mothers in all seasons. To express interest, click here.
Originally published here.
Belinda Haan is a writer, advocate, and facilitator focused on re-writing the motherhood experience. She uniquely blends the best of psychology and heart to support women in their transition into motherhood. She is the founder of The Motherhood Gathering, which provides a loving container for women as they navigate the joy and full catastrophe of early motherhood. You can follow Belinda on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.
