Your little one has just learned an essential lesson about relationships and trust. Quick parental repair after a rupture in empathy is part of how children build resilience, the confidence to express their needs, the faith that they can work things out with another person. In fact, every time we misattune, our little one gets a small chance to practise regulating himself without our help. Sometimes he won’t be able to, but often he will, and with practice he’ll learn how- just like taking those first steps. So while you don’t want to intentionally create difficult experiences for your child-life will supply plenty without your assistance-your misattunements really are learning opportunities, as long as they’re followed by reconnection and outweighed by positive moments.
Is this also true for older children? Yes! When we respond to our child’s anger by yelling, we’re misattuned. If we were attuned to our child’s upset, we’d realise that her anger is a red flag that she needs help with some deeper tears and fears, and we wouldn’t take her anger personally – so we wouldn’t yell. We’d empathise, softening our heart so that she would soften hers.
But sometimes, we get triggered. We forget to see things from our child’s perspective. We lose it. Later, we’re filled with remorse.
If we were attuned to our child’s upset, we’d realise that her anger is a red flag that she needs help with some deeper tears and fears, and we wouldn’t take her anger personally – so we wouldn’t yell.
Luckily, we can model how to repair a relationship rupture. “I’m so sorry I yelled at you, Sweetie…You don’t ever deserve to be yelled at….Let’s try a Do-Over….Here’s what I meant to say”. As long as our parenting blunders are followed by reconnection and outweighed by positive moments, they’re learning opportunities for our children.
What if we don’t catch ourselves quickly? It’s never too late to apologise. When we step up and do the hard emotional work to let go of being right, to open our hearts, we teach our children how to do that, too.
Just think. If you never apologised, your child would never learn how to apologise, either.
Aren’t you glad you aren’t perfect?
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
