When she persists, acknowledge her desire and empower her to achieve her goal in fantasy: “You REALLY love that, don’t you? You wish you could have it. I see how much you want it. I wonder if you could earn enough to buy it for yourself? Or we could write it down on your birthday list, and if you still want it when it’s your birthday, maybe we can swing it then.”
3. Look for Solutions, not blame.
When tensions rise, it’s easy to get swept into catastrophising and blaming. But all that teaches your child is to catastrophise and blame. Instead, focus on helping your child look for solutions to the problem. The problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills your children will learn, with your support, will help them for the rest of their lives.
When tensions rise, it’s easy to get swept into catastrophising and blaming. But all that teaches your child is to catastrophise and blame.
When your children are bickering, your impulse might be to shut down the disagreement: “Can’t you two stop fighting?!” or step in to solve it: “Ok, it’s your turn tonight, you can have your turn tomorrow night, and no more arguing about this!”
Instead, help your kids work together to find a solution to their problem: “I hear loud voices….Looks like both of you want the ipad, and there’s only one ipad…I wonder how we can solve this?”.
When your child isn’t ready to leave the house in the morning, your habit might be to bark orders like “Get your shoes on this minute!” But that usually makes kids dig in their heels and move more slowly.
Instead, give your child the responsibility, by pointing to the picture chart by the door with a smile of encouragement: “It’s almost time to go…I see you have your clothes on…what does this chart you made show you that you need to do next?”.
Notice that you always need to begin by taking a deep breath, so you can keep your voice calm and warm.
When your child forgets something, you might find yourself so frustrated that you label him: “You are so forgetful! You’d lose your head if…”. But those kinds of negative labels are self-fulfilling prophecies.
Instead, empower your child to solve his problem: “Hmm…that IS a problem, because you need your science book to study for the science test. I wonder what you can do to solve this problem? Let’s think of possible solutions together.”
Notice that you always need to begin by taking a deep breath, so you can keep your voice calm and warm. But once you do that, just remember Connection, Feelings, Solutions. You’ll be amazed how the words come to you.
Like having a fairy godmother whispering in your ear.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
