As children graduate from toddlerhood and move toward preschool, start teaching them how to manage more complicated duties. Kids between 3 and 5 are big fans of counting and sorting, so give them jobs around the house that encourage them to practice these skills while instilling responsibility. Ask them to put five books on that shelf, or ask them to count out five oranges and place them in a bag at the store. Kids this age are perfectly able to:
- Make their bed.
- Straighten their room.
- Sort and categorize items, such as utensils in a drawer or socks in the laundry.
- Water plants.
- Clear their place at the table.
- Learn to not freak out and cry about spills, but get a towel or sponge and clean them up by themselves.
- Prepare their own snacks.
Children as young as 5 can understand and accept the consequences of their actions (and inaction) but only if they experience those consequences. Forgot to put her favorite DVD away in its case after she watched it? The next time she wants to watch that movie, don’t help her look for it in the pile of loose DVDs, and remind her why she can’t find it.
Between the ages of 6 and 11, children should grow more and more capable. They understand the concept of cause and effect and can predict that if the clothes don’t go into the laundry basket, they won’t get clean. If the dog does not get fed, she will be hungry. Capitalize on this understanding and help children see how being proactive around the house can lead to positive effects. At this point, kids are able to be responsible for all sorts of household tasks, such as:
- Peeling and chopping vegetables. (Teach knife safety early, and always use a sharp knife, which is safer than a dull one.)
- Laundry — all of it, from sorting to putting it away. Post a list on the washing machine and dryer after you’ve conducted the requisite one-on-one lessons in order to provide reminders for all the steps. One mom pointed out that dry-erase markers write and erase well on the side of washers and dryers, so she simply writes instructions on the appliance itself.
- Replacing the toilet paper when it’s gone. Leave the direction the roll spins to your child’s discretion!
- Setting and clearing the table.
- Outdoor work such as raking leaves, weeding, and hauling wood.
- Vacuuming and mopping floors.
- Helping to plan and prepare grocery lists and meals.
As your child discovers her significance and purpose, she’s going to make a mess of things from time to time as she learns. Her contribution to the household is not simply an item on a checklist you post on the refrigerator but a process, an education. You know how to fold laundry just the way you like it folded; your daughter does not. Let her muck it up the first couple of times; let her brother get frustrated with her because his pants are inside out and damp because the dryer twisted the leg in a knot. Let her discover for herself that when she leaves the clothes in the dryer overnight, her favorite shirt becomes hopelessly wrinkled.
Her contribution to the household is not simply an item on a checklist you post on the refrigerator but a process, an education.
And it’s important that school-age kids plan and prepare their own lunches. They need to be disappointed in their own choices once in a while. They need to find out that when they pack yogurt under the ice pack rather than on top, it gets squished, and the entire lunch bag becomes a sticky, vanilla mess. They need to know what it feels like to clean that sticky lunch bag and avoid the same mistake next time. They need to discover all the small details, workarounds, and solutions we devise in order to avoid the million small disasters that plague ordinary, everyday obligations.
From 12 on up, I can’t think of many household duties beyond their abilities. The more competent teens I’ve talked to are responsible for:
- Household repairs, such as painting, replacing light bulbs, and simple car maintenance.
- Grocery shopping. (Given some teens’ quirky dietary habits, some parents provide pretty specific lists.)
- Planning and preparing more complicated meals.
- Caring for and teaching younger siblings about their roles in the household responsibilities.
- Taking the dog to the vet for his shots.
- Cleaning out the refrigerator.
- Chopping kindling and firewood.
- Clearing leaves out of the gutters.
It’s never too early — or too late — to teach children how to contribute and problem-solve under their own power. Despite all the protests to the contrary, kids want to play useful roles in their family’s success. As parents have slowly but systematically deprived them of those roles, we owe them the patience and time it takes to give that purpose and responsibility back. The contribution of your children to the daily work of keeping a house and running a family will not only be a boon to the family now, but your kids’ increased competence and sense of responsibility will set them apart from their more coddled peers when they head off to college or land their first jobs. They have had opportunities to fail, to mess up and fix their errors, and won’t be fazed by a misstep here and there as young adults.
Republished with permission via Slate.
Excerpted from The Gift of Failureby Jessica Lahey. Copyright © 2015 by Jessica Lahey. A Harper book, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
