LONGING AND LOSS

By Sally Saint

I have lately had the intense feeling that ‘life’ has been weaving a healing web for me, and it is something that always amazes and floors me at the same time. 

As a healer, I have understood the many ways we are supported to grow; our children are the greatest reminders of the importance of this process. It is as we allow ourselves to grow, we are then more able to hold the space for their rapid expansion. 

For a number of years, I have been hiding this intense emotion, this longing that can sometimes feel so deep that it rips deep into my core.

This longing is for another child. It is not a constant feeling but it can erupt with such strength that it can stop me in my tracks. 

After my son turned two, I had this visceral experience and I could actually feel my body preparing to house another being. It honestly felt like my body was communicating with me and I was pulled so deeply to act on this call. It was not to be. My partner at the time did not want another child and in reality, I am so thankful that we didn’t as the relationship was not meant to last. 

So why the longing that although has never reached that fever pitch since has actually never gone away? It can hibernate, so there is no deep call from my belly for months and then it will pop up again. 

The other day I was walking up my local high street and glancing into the cafe window. I saw a mother pulling her breast out to feed her beautiful baby and it hit me.

This longing, this pain, that for that moment knocked the breath out of me. 

As a single mother and at the age of 47, this is something that is not possible, another child. So the longing can seem out of line with my current reality. 

On attending a business networking meeting, I was blessed to have a conversation with a lovely lady who expressed her deep desire for another child. I did not return any mutual yearnings at the time, but a few days later I felt called to message her. For we shared the same pull. 

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