It can be NORMAL for babies and toddlers to wake and nurse during the night.
We expect and understand that babies are totally dependent creatures and rely on us for all of their needs (diaper changes, eating, bathing, getting from place to place, etc.), except when it comes to sleep. The expectation of early sleep consolidation and sleeping through the night is a culturally created construct based on our modern, busy schedules. These sleep expectations are much more about what we desire our babies to do than what is realistic and appropriate for them to do. Sleep is a developmental process that babies can be gently and lovingly guided through, much like we would guide them through learning to crawl, walk, eat, ride a bike, etc. The ability to sleep independently takes time.
Research demonstrates that night waking and nursing actually serve as a protective mechanism for babies under the age of 1.
It’s normal, not a problem that needs to be fixed through sleep training. (Go HERE for more great research on the benefits of cosleeping and how to do so safely.)
It’s NORMAL for babies to cry when they need something.
Babies do not have the cognitive ability to manipulate us. We cannot spoil them. Babies make their needs known by crying. By responding to their cries and fulfilling their needs, we are helping them to form secure attachment relationships with us, which are the foundation of their mental and emotional health.
It’s NORMAL for older babies and toddlers to have strong emotional reactions when things don’t go their way.
This is the only way they know how to express themselves at this age. Their communication is limited, and they are just starting to begin to learn how the world works. By validating their emotions and providing alternative ways to express themselves, we can teach them more appropriate ways to cope with big emotions and set them up to be able to successfully navigate challenging situations and relationships. This takes consistency and time (years, even!).
Now, I know that many of the normal behaviors I listed are not ideal. It can definitely be inconvenient and downright HARD when your baby needs to be attached to you 24/7, or won’t sleep without you. That’s why we need to start finding more ways of supporting mums through these tough times, rather than giving really unhelpful advice that is contrary to normal baby behavior.
Rather than shaming the mum who is bedsharing, we need to provide safe bedsharing recommendations and let her know that it’s biologically appropriate and beneficial.
Rather than casting judgment on the mum who is nursing her cluster-feeding baby in public, we need to offer kind words of encouragement and boost her confidence. Rather than scaring the mum who doesn’t want to sleep train by telling her the child won’t ever sleep alone, we need to let her know that she’s giving her baby what he/she needs right now (research actually shows that cosleeping fosters future independence and self-esteem among many other benefits). Rather than rolling our eyes at the mum who is having a difficult time with her toddler having a meltdown in public, we need to tell her she’s doing an amazing job and tell her this won’t last forever. We need to institute better maternity/paternity leave policies, provide more widespread and comprehensive breastfeeding support, and take better care of mum’s postpartum health. We need to recreate the village.
Taylor Kulik is an occupational therapist and a Certified Baby-Led Sleep & Well-being Specialist. After her own struggles to adapt to motherhood and discovering how little support and information there is for families who do not want to sleep train, Taylor shifted her career focus to supporting new parents in a way that validates their intuition. Taylor also has specialised training in perinatal mood & anxiety disorders from Postpartum Support International, as well as additional training in child development, postpartum care, and breastfeeding. She combines this training and her background as an occupational therapist to comprehensively and holistically help the entire family thrive and get more sleep through relationships and connection, without any sleep training. She also has self-paced eCourses which provide holistic and empowering information about postpartum recovery and infant sleep. You can find more information about the services & eCourses she offers at taylorkulik.com, or through her Facebook and Instagram pages.
