It takes huge courage to stand up to parents and in-laws especially, but as hard as it is, if we don’t manage to get those boundaries up, we continue to prioritize the adult’s feelings over our own children’s.
Differences can bring the challenges of feeling judged and also of judging others. And again, the more we can learn to navigate these tricky situations with skill and diplomacy, the more peace of mind we can maintain. It can be painful to know that the strife that shaming lectures, punishments or unrealistic expectations creates, could be easily avoided. It’s natural for people to want to share with others that which has helped them in their life, yet whether advice is wanted or constructive depends on each relationship. Sometimes it’s about getting the balance between empathising with the parent who is struggling with their child, while also bringing in empathy for the child, which can help the parent to soften their heart. The parent might say; “they never do what they’re told”, and we might say “it’s so frustrating isn’t it when our kids are resistant, and so hard for them when we’re annoyed at them”. The parent might say; “she’s always so mean to her sister”; we might say “it’s hard when our kids fight hey, so hard for everyone”.
Many parents have seen a complete turnaround in their parents or in-laws after they’ve loaned them a copy of one of Aletha Solter’s books. I recommend Aletha’s books because they’re very practical, easy to read and super credible with lots of research dotted throughout. Often the relatives really are so worried about what we’re doing to our kids and need reassurance that it’s not just permissive parenting. It’s a new model that they don’t have a frame of reference for, which must be pretty scary and disorientating.
Part I covered: The challenges of working to be a more peaceful parent in a society that judges lack of punishment to be permissive parenting, my own challenges as a parent parenting differently, the emotional turmoil that differences in values can evoke, some quotes from other parents who share their struggles, setting ourselves up for success.
Genevieve Simperingham is a Psychosynthesis Counsellor, a certified Aware Parenting Instructor, parent educator, a blogger and public speaker. She’s been parenting with attachment principles from the beginning, her son is 21 and daughter 16. She runs the Peaceful Parent Institute in New Zealand and offers live and online events. Check out her website www.peacefulparent.com.
