As I healed, I began to revise my idea of what constituted a ‘good mother’ and realised that I had to let go of intensive mothering ideology and put my own mental, emotional and physical health first or my entire family would continue to exist in survival mode.
Changing beliefs around what it means to be a ‘good mother’
In experimenting with this, I discovered that my children benefitted more from my health, joy, creativity and clarity than from having a personal slave who catered to their every whim. I was amazed by their ability to self-soothe and started to trust that they were creative, intelligent souls, not the fragile little snow-flakes I’d believed them to be.
Expert-driven research offers valuable information on how to nurture the parent-child connection and raise happy, healthy kids. Yet this information cannot be truly helpful if it doesn’t place maternal health and wellbeing at a vital aspect of parenting or concede that children need love and care from more than just one adult.
It must also be acknowledged that, if a mother is burned out by the task of raising a child to these high standards (largely on her own), she will be unable to truly offer secure attachment, no matter how hard she tries. No woman is superhuman.
Nurturing the nurturers
The thing is, if mothers were truly supported to maintain even a basic level of mental, emotional and physical health, children would benefit beyond what we can even imagine. At the bare minimum, refusing to shame mothers who are not able to meet intensive mothering standards would be a great first step.
Looking back, the last thing I needed was someone to tell me what I was doing wrong. I longed for love, help and support – for someone to swoop in and cuddle my kids for an hour while I slept instead of pointing out my ineptitude.
Ultimately, I freed myself from the prison I’d built for myself by questioning my beliefs about motherhood. I began to see that I wasn’t inherently flawed, rather that the system around me was broken.
As I did this, I became my own best friend and refused to subscribe to the belief that I was ‘not enough’ any longer. The compassion and care I showed myself filtered down to my children and, in nourishing my own body, mind and spirit, I became a more effective mother than I’d ever been before.
If you gift yourself with kind words, nourishment and deep care, it will filter through and influence the way you care for your children and all those in your orbit. And that, mama, is more than enough.
Geordie Bull is an NLP practitioner and inner work coach who supports mothers to move past destructive beliefs and habits so they can enjoy this busy season of life. Learn more about her online coaching programs at geordiebull.com.au or connect with her on Instagram or Facebook @geordiebullcoaching.
