If you can learn the early warning signs that your child is becoming overloaded, it may often be possible to provide the rest, change of scene, snack, focused attention, or distraction that your child needs before reaching the point of no return.
Most parental interventions during tantrums have been found to actually be responses to a child’s behavior, not actual interventions. In other words, most of what we do as parents is react. Instead of staying focused on our child’s feelings and what we need to do, we tend to reflexively respond in typical ways. Hence, if our child is showering us with an ear piercing yell, we walk away. If the behavior is hitting, we put them in a room and shut the door. Unfortunately, the more a parent is reactive, the more the tantrum tends to escalate and the longer it persists. Punishment is not helpful; neither is isolation. What calms a child -and teaches a valuable skill – is empathy and validation.
Mainstream advice can often challenge this wisdom and sets well-intentioned parents on a path toward escalation instead of settling. Recommendations that call for punitive responses and admonishments to parents to stay ‘in control’ contradict empathic reactions and develop an expectation that a child is simply prone to tantrums, high strung, difficult or naughty. Not only is this untrue but it undermines the very strategies that promote healing and change.
If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. ~ Chinese proverb
So keep your internal peace and stay by your child’s side. Adopt a soothing, even tone of voice. It may take a while for your child to allow you a cuddle, but be patient and available. Don’t expect a child to ‘use words’ when in the middle of a tantrum. If the event overwhelms you, remove yourself for as long as it takes to regain your own calm, and then return to your child. It may be helpful to you to use the time when your child is in the grip of a tantrum to focus on centering and calming yourself. Notice your own feelings, take some deep breaths, and observe what your child’s intense feelings are triggering in you. By looking after yourself and restoring your own equilibrium you will be healthier and better able to reconnect with your child in a compassionate way. Time out is not appropriate for children struggling with overwhelming emotions but it is occasionally necessary for adults when we need to settle our own bodies or minds.
I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy. ~ Anthony Robbins, American advisor
Once your child has regained equilibrium, spend time with him to talk about his feelings. Even a preverbal child benefits from hearing a parent identify the emotions and explain what has just happened. Keep your language simple and age appropriate, e.g. “You were so mad with me,” or “You really wanted that toy so much.” This is not the same as giving in. A tantrum occurring because a child couldn’t have ice cream for dinner doesn’t mean that ice cream should become part of the standard menu. Nonetheless, validating the frustration, showing understanding, and offering a kind explanation for why it can’t happen (and perhaps a plan for how to accommodate the wish in another way) can go a long way toward instilling a sense of wellbeing, trust and emotional stability.
Research into attachment and development tells us that children and parents will always have rocky times in their relationships – times when both child and parent feel angry and disconnected from each other. This is a normal part of healthy relationships. In order to keep the relationship strong, what matters most is the ability to set things right again.
Parents who are able to weather their children’s emotional storms, manage their own reactions to their child’s big feelings, stay calm and available to their child, and help their child to reunite with them are providing an excellent basis for life. In these experiences, a child learns that relationships can survive tough times, that emotions are safe and manageable, and that who they are and what they feel is okay. When a child expresses intense feelings and then recovers with their most important relationships still intact, the brain wiring for relating to others and for regulating emotional states is developed and strengthened, building capacities in the child that will contribute to psychological wellbeing for life.
The purpose of the journey is compassion. ~ Joseph Campbell, scholar
Using tantrums, and the frustrations from which they are born, to propel our children toward a deeper understanding of their emotions and a greater sense of trust in our love as parents allows us to demystify the episodes and lay the foundation for future stability. We all feel a greater sense of wellness and connection when someone provides support, kindness and guidance during our most trying moments. Extending this intelligent compassion to our children allows us to loosen their ties to tantrums and upset and, instead, to strengthen their bonds to happiness and their relationships with us.
