4. Kids accept our limits when we accept their desires, and their anger, sadness or disappointment about our limits
They don’t have to like our limits; they just have to follow them. Once they express their desire and their unhappiness and feel heard, they can more easily accept the limit and move on.
“You wish you could play for ten more hours, right? You want to play all night. It’s hard to stop playing and clean up. Want to growl while we clean up to show me how snarly you feel? Let’s have a growling contest while we put the stuffed animals back on the shelf. Here, my panda is growling loudly while she goes to her place on the shelf! Wow! Listen to your alligator roaring!”
5. Kids follow our requests when they don’t feel pushed around
Avoid initiating a power struggle. Find a way to give a choice, and some autonomy.
“It’s time to clean up now. You have a choice. Do you want to drive the cars into the box, or airlift them in?”
6. Kids follow our requests when we transform them into something fun and inviting
You can make a game out of anything, and no kid can resist an invitation to play.
Let the trucks have a race to the toy box. Use funny voices. Have a contest about who can clean up fastest.
Pretend you’re the wrecking crew. Tell a story while you clean up about a kid who hated to clean up.
Can you do this every time? No, unless you’re superhuman. Every parent has days when they’re just too exhausted to make things fun. But if you do this whenever you can summon up the energy, you create enough good will to spill over into the days when you can’t.
7. Kids follow our requests when they’re age-appropriate
Most five-year-olds can’t clean up by themselves. Even if you think he “should” know how, he needs your attention to stay on task. You might say he’s “borrowing” your executive function. When we clean up with our kids, over and over, and make it enjoyable, they eventually learn to take pleasure in making their space orderly. But usually for young children, it’s not age-appropriate to expect them to do it themselves. Their only pleasure in cleaning up is the connection with the parent — so make the most of that connection to inspire the clean-up.
8. Kids accept our limits when they see that we care about their happiness
“I know you don’t want to destroy this tower you worked so hard on. We usually clean everything up at night, but let’s leave your tower up to enjoy. And if we hurry with the rest of the clean-up, we’ll have time for an extra story.”
9. Kids accept our direction because they trust us to make rules that support their wellbeing
That trust is established by the way we interact with them every day.
“We clean up so we don’t trip over the toys and break them. And so we have a clear space to play tomorrow.”
10. Kids accept our NO because they feel our deeper YES
Kids will do almost anything we request if we make the request with a loving heart. Find a way to say YES instead of NO even while you set your limit.
“YES, it’s time to clean up, and YES I will help you and YES we can leave your tower up and YES you can growl about it and YES if we hurry we can read an extra story and YES we can make this fun and YES I adore you and YES how did I get so lucky to be your parent? YES!”
So maybe the biggest secret about saying No is that you can say it with what writer Scott Noelle calls “Yes! Energy.” When you’re able to say No clearly, but with all the warmth and affection you feel for your child, there’s a bigger Yes in it, a Yes to your child. It’s that larger affirmation, that Yes, that your child senses and responds to, that helps them accept your No. Your child will respond with the generosity of spirit that matches yours.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
