By Dr. Laura Markham
What is bullying? StopBullying.gov defines “bullying” as repeated unwanted, aggressive behaviour in which a child or teen uses a real or perceived power imbalance, such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity, to control or harm other kids.
Bullying can include anything from spreading rumours to name-calling to physical aggression, but this is not simply being rude or unkind once. All children will have their feelings hurt, will be teased, will feel excluded at some point. Bullying is a repeated, purposeful abuse of power, directed at a specific target, and meant to cause harm to that person.
Why would a young person do such a cruel thing? Because it gives her power. We all need to feel powerful in our lives. If we don’t have access to power in healthy ways, it can be hard to resist using it in unhealthy ways. And for a child or teen who often feels powerless in her life, abusing power by bullying can feel as potent as a drug.
If someone has humiliated, threatened, or hurt him, those feelings often threaten to overwhelm his psyche, and he lashes out, wanting to humiliate, threaten or hurt someone else. If he’s hurting inside, bullying someone else can help him feel a little better for a short time. Unfortunately, then, kids who are hurting often hurt other kids.
Can you bully-proof your child? Unfortunately, no. There have always been hurting people who act out by hurting others, and your child’s path will sometimes cross with theirs. And all children want to get their way, which means they will sometimes abuse power; that’s developmentally normal and short-lived in a context where they’re also developing empathy. Your goal is not to insulate your child, but to support him to develop the awareness and skills to protect himself when necessary, and to seek help when he’s in over his head.
Bullying behaviour begins in preschool and gains momentum as kids grow. Depending on which survey you read, between 40 and 80 percent of middle schoolers admit to participating in bullying behaviour, so clearly our culture bears some responsibility for the pervasiveness of bullying. Many kids describe themselves as having been subjected to bullying but also as having bullied others.
Depending on which survey you read, between 40 and 80 percent of middle schoolers admit to participating in bullying behaviour, so clearly our culture bears some responsibility for the pervasiveness of bullying
Unfortunately, our school cultures are still struggling to implement effective approaches, and the situation is getting worse in many communities. The interaction of bullying and social media seems to have increased the psychological danger, so that kids feel they don’t have a safe refuge, and more teens and even middle schoolers are committing suicide in response to bullying. Recent research shows that long-term consequences of bullying include higher risk for depression, anxiety, PTSD, substance abuse and self-destructive behaviour.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that you can help your child develop the skills to stand up to bullying behaviour, and you can keep him from becoming a bully. How?
1. Model compassionate, respectful relationships from the time your child is small.
As Alice Miller, author of Thou Shalt Not Be Aware, wrote: “If children have been accustomed from the start to having their world respected, they will have no trouble later in life recognising disrespect directed against them in any form and will rebel against it on their own.”
The most effective way to keep children from being bullied, and from becoming bullies, is to make sure they grow up in loving, respectful relationships, rather than relationships that use power or force to control them. Children learn both sides of every relationship, and they can act either one.
If you spank, your child will learn that physical violence is the way to respond to interpersonal problems. Research has repeatedly established that physically disciplining a child is associated with more bullying behaviours.
In fact, any discipline methods that use power over a child teach him to use power over others, or to let others use power over him. Punishment is often perceived by children as adults using force to get their way, which teaches them that bullying is okay. Don’t worry, you don’t need that kind of discipline. For compassionate discipline that works, see the section on Peaceful Discipline on this website.
The most effective way to keep children from being bullied, and from becoming bullies, is to make sure they grow up in loving, respectful relationships, rather than relationships that use power or force to control them.
2. Stay connected to your child through thick and thin.
Lonely kids are more likely to be bullied. And kids are often ashamed that they’re being bullied, so they are hesitant to tell their parents. If your child knows that you will always listen, and that you have their back, they are more likely to talk with you about things that upset them.
How do you make sure that your child would tell you if they were being bullied? Remember, parenting is 80% connection — a close relationship with your child — and only 20% guidance. The guidance won’t stick unless you have the relationship to support it, and will just drive your child away. So prioritise your relationship with your child, and keep those lines of communication open, no matter what.
3. Model confident, respectful behaviour with other people.
If you lose your temper and curse out other drivers, even from the privacy of your own car, you’re teaching your child that sometimes it’s okay to disrespect other people. Conversely, if you tend to back down easily so you don’t make a scene, but then later feel pushed around, it’s time to change that. Your child is learning from watching you. Experiment with finding ways to assert your own needs or rights while maintaining respect for the other person, and model treating everyone with respect, even when you disagree.
4. Directly teach your child respectful self-assertion.
Kids need to know they can get their needs met while being respectful of other people. Give him words to stick up for himself early on:
- “It’s my turn now.”
- “Hey, stop that.”
- “Hands off my body.”
- “It’s not okay to hurt.”
- “I don’t like being called that. I want you to call me by my name.”
So prioritise your relationship with your child, and keep those lines of communication open, no matter what.
5. Teach your child basic social skills.
Unfortunately, bullies prey on kids whom they perceive to be vulnerable. If you have a child who has social-skill challenges, make it a priority to support your child in all the other ways listed in this article, to make him less attractive to bullies. Then, make games out of social skills, and practise at home. Role play with your child how to join a game at the playground, introduce himself to another child at a party, or initiate a playdate. For instance, kids who are successful in joining groups of kids usually observe first, and find a way to fit into the group, rather than just barging in.
Sometimes kids want peer acceptance so much that they continue to hang around a group of peers even when one of the group leaders begins to mistreat them. If you suspect your child might be vulnerable, listen to what he says about peer interactions to help him learn to check in with his own inner wisdom, and work to provide healthy relationship opportunities for him.
6. Teach your child how the dynamics of bullying work.
Research shows that bullies begin with verbal harassment. How the “victim” responds to the first verbal aggression determines whether the bully continues to target this particular child. If the aggression gives the bully what he’s looking for — a feeling of power from successfully pushing the other child’s buttons — the aggression will generally escalate. So teach your child that every bully is looking for a reaction, so the more they can stay calm, more likely the bully will stop their provocation. It’s imperative to discuss this issue with every child BEFORE they might be subject to bullying, so they can stand up for themselves successfully when a bully first “tests” them.
