Tools for emotional regulation
The goal of emotional regulation is to help children know that they can have feelings and still be okay, safe, and loved. Here are some tools I recommend for when your child’s behaviours are signalling emotional distress:
Do a self-check first: In an airplane, you receive instructions to put your oxygen mask on first; then place it on your child. Ask yourself, are you activated? What tone of voice are you using? What is your body language communicating? What do you need right now? Maybe you need to stretch, breathe, or call someone who can help you feel more connected and safe. If your child’s behaviours are putting themselves or anyone else at risk, by all means address the concern immediately. But also recognise that getting away from your child is sometimes the best way to keep both yourself and your child safe. Self-regulation is challenging; however, practising your strategies in front of your child provides valuable modelling. For example, you might say, “I am feeling mad right now! I’m going to breathe and shake it all out! Ahh, that feels better…”.
Become an emotion detective: Once you are able to be more present, observe your child’s behaviours and be curious about which nervous system state is dominant. What is their body language saying? What strategy is your child using right now to manage emotions? Can you help your child experience connection? This will help strengthen the social nervous system.
High arousal tools: If your child is highly activated, explore meeting them in a high energy way in a supportive, playful fashion. This might involve giving them a chance to push against you while you hold firmly onto a pillow. I tell kids that anger is a healthy emotion and we need to find a healthy way to let it out. The wood-chopper technique is a really useful tool for releasing anger (www.yogacalm.com).
Low arousal tools: If your child is withdrawn or shut down, see if they will allow you to come in close. Use your breath and voice tone to communicate to your child that you care. My daughter preferred to go to her bedroom and snuggle under a blanket when she was overwhelmed as a young child. My job in those moments was to calmly sit next to her and simply remind her that I am here if she needs me.
When to seek professional help
When we are stuck in a dynamic with our children that feels unhealthy or consistently negative, it is a sign to seek more support. Sometimes this is a signal to get greater understanding about your child’s behaviours. If your child has ongoing challenges with anxiety, aggression, or withdrawal, you do not have to go through this alone. There are also times that seeking greater diagnostic clarity is necessary to guide appropriate solutions or interventions. One of my goals as a parent coach is to educate and inspire parents to seek help. It can be humbling to ask for help, for fear of being judged or perceived as an inadequate parent. However sometimes getting professional support for ourselves and our children is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves and the next generation.
You can also learn more about these topics by reading The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. Van Der Kolk.
Lisa is a family therapist and coach who has a special interest in parent-child relationships and runs her own practice from Wanaka. Visit her website to find out more about the services she offers. You can also connect with her on Instagram and LinkedIn.
