#3
TACTFULLY HANDLE THE DISAPPROVAL FROM OTHERS
Trying to persuade those around you to convert to your parenting style is usually pointless. Trying to prove you are right (and they are wrong) seldom works. So try these responses instead:
In the face of criticism say, “I guess we’ll just have to agree to differ.”
In response to pointed comments, sarcastic remarks or mockery, say a simple, light, “Ouch!”
When well meaning adults step in to “help”, by offering mainstream responses to your parenting challenge, you can say, “I think we’re okay just now,” or, “I’ll let you know if we need help.”
When your child cries or has a tantrum, others might rush in and try to distract your child with food or entertainment. Or they might chip in with comments like, “Stop crying,” “You’re being silly,” “Don’t be sad,” “Be brave,” or, “You can’t always have your way.”
You can respond with a warm and strong, “It’s OK, thanks! I’ve got this,” or, “I think we just need a moment.” You might whisk your child away to another space, away from watchful eyes, so you can offer them connection. To outside eyes, this can also look like punishment, which can ease tensions too.
Balance your child’s need for empathy with the needs of an adult who’s struggling. Sometimes you can soften an adult’s heart by empathising with them as you bring in empathy for your child. If the adult says, “They never do what they’re told,” we can say, “It’s so frustrating isn’t it, when our kids are resistant! And “It’s so hard for them when we’re annoyed at them.” If the adult says, “She’s always so mean to her sister,” you can say, “It’s hard when our kids fight. It’s so hard for everyone.”
#4
HELP BRIDGE THE GAP WITH THOSE AROUND YOU
Make time together work. What can you do, or where can you meet, that might work for everyone? Is it better to meet at the beach or home? Do you need all the food pre-prepared so you can give everyone more attention?
Set limits around your time together. Sometimes the way you or your loved one gets re-stimulated by the differences between you might mean you need to figure out new ways of being together. The core message you want to get across is, “I care”. Sometimes you’ll be able to have direct conversations, other times you’ll need to lead from behind.
You might be able to say things like:
“I really want to enjoy being with you, so when we come and visit we’ll rent a unit nearby rather than stay with you so we can enjoy our time together.”
“I very much want to see you and I think we’ll all have a good time if we meet for 2 hours this time.”
Or you might need to do these things indirectly, like, “Billy’s not sleeping well and I don’t want to keep you up all night so we’ll stay in a unit nearby.”
Try time together without the kids. Spending time with the adults in your life without the kids can help you enjoy each other without the tension the children bring. Even 10 minutes can make a difference. Spend the time really appreciating the other person and being interested in them. Treat the time like Special Time for them!
Be playful. When we’ve shed a good chunk of our own emotional tension we might find we can be playful about the differences that have caused friction in the past. We can try playfully inviting others to laugh at our own quirks, “Well, you know me, I’m the freaky one that won’t give my kids have star charts!”
You might even be able to respond playfully when one of those closest to you responds in knee jerk way. Maybe your father scoffs as you do XYZ so you playfully ruffle his hair saying, “There’s my Dad!”
Appreciate your loved one. Notice the way they care. Let them know that you see the good effort they put into you and your family. It might not look the way you want it to, but you can assume that they want to connect with you.
- Listen to them. Ask them about their childhood. This can be a wonderful way to build empathy and help people see things from a child’s point of view. Listening and taking an interest in them shows you care. You could ask, “How did you parents deal with you when you’d done some off thing?” or, “What happened to kids in your family when they cried? How did that make you feel?”
- Ask them to share a skill. Gently share information. Focus on modelling your parenting style without uninvited explanations. If called for, you might humbly offer something like, “I know it seems really odd but someone showed me that if you just listen until your child has stopped crying they actually get to be happier and think better than if you try to stop them.” And if they looked interested you might offer to lend them your Listen book.
Have that difficult conversation. Sometimes, it’s important to courageously sit down with an adult in our lives and have that very difficult heart to heart. We can:
- Find the common ground. This could be many things, for example, simply pointing out how much you both love your kids, how you both want the kids to do well in life, or how much you want to enjoy their company.
- Set the scene with something like, “I know we have differing views here and I guess we might have to agree to differ, but I’d like to explain where I’m coming from. You don’t have to agree. You don’t have to say anything, but I’d appreciate if you’d listen.”
- Explain that you’re trying to use the latest brain research that shows how important connection is, that rewards don’t work well in the long run, and that punishment leads to further antisocial behaviour. Explain that your goal is to raise an emotionally healthy child.
- Reassure them. What do you think they are afraid of? Maybe they think you’re being too permissive. Tell them you believe setting limits is important. Maybe they’re worried it’s taking too much out of you. Tell them that parenting is exhausting no matter what approach is taken, and you’re doing all you can to get support.
- Thank them for listening. Give them the opportunity to speak too. Be sure not to get into your knee jerk reactions. Simply listen.
If you’re struggling with parenting differently from those around you, I hope you’ll be able to turn things around using these four steps.
Rachel is a Member of the Australian Association of Family Therapists and runs The Connected Parent. She supports parents to build strong family relationships and compassionately navigate challenges. She lives in the beautiful Bega Valley, Australia where she’s regularly challenged and delighted by her own family. Join her Facebook group.
