We had invested thousands of dollars, hours and hours of treatments, and years of our life. There had to be something else better than this but giving up our dream when we had got so close seemed crazy.
Making the decision to stop trying gave me such relief. I was released from the never-ending pursuit and started to feel a sense of possibility again. I understood that there were other opportunities out there for me. I could take back control of my life.
The ease at which I adjusted once I had made my decision seemed to concern people around me – it even surprised me. This thing I had so desperately desired for years and that was in the fabric of everything I did, in my very psyche, I let go. I knew it was the right decision.
It was time to accept that this wasn’t for me.
Those years of trying have been a journey of immense emotion. Emotions of grief, disappointment, frustration, sadness, and isolation. Emotions so strong and persistent, that it has taken a strength to contain them. I was so focused on Plan A that I never considered that there were other options. I was so sure we would have a family and it was just a matter of being positive – ‘never give up hope’ as they say. I now know that sometimes having a baby just isn’t a decision you make.
This journey has taught me so much. It’s demanded that I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I know how to listen to myself and make choices that feel right to me. I have learned to be vulnerable – something I had never been particularly good at. Above all, I have learned acceptance.
While I am eternally grateful for where I am, it is difficult not to look back and wish I had replaced that determined belief that it was going to happen, with a gentler trust that whatever happens is OK. I relied too much on hope when what would have served me more was trust.
Not having children doesn’t make me a failure. It doesn’t make me less of a woman.
I am never going to be a mother or a grandmother and experience what that feels like and I am OK with that. I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunty, a cousin, a friend, and so much more. I love my life, and not having children has opened other opportunities for me.
Infertility felt so isolating for me and looking back I can see that it had a bigger impact than I realised. What I needed most on my journey was not to feel alone. I needed people who really understood what I was going through. I needed people to approach fertility more than something that needed fixing.
My experience is my motivation. It has given me purpose and something to share with others. I want all those struggling to conceive to feel heard, supported and understood. I want people to know that sometimes Plan B can be OK too. I want to show people the way to more ease and acceptance on the fertility journey.
Kathryn Grace is a Life Coach who works with women who are on their fertility journey. She loves being able to guide and support other women through their experiences and help them find calm, clarity, and acceptance in whatever emerges for them. Learn more about Kathryn’s work at Fertility Potentials.
