Empower to Repair
We all make mistakes, and every one of us has at one time or another damaged a relationship we care about. Kids need to know they can make amends. Once you’ve empathised with why your child behaved in a hurtful way, and your child has calmed down, help her reflect (like a partner or coach) on what she might do to fix what’s broken. But resist the urge to make this into a punishment, or your child will resist and miss the deeper lesson.
When kids learn to manage their emotions, they can manage their behaviour, so they’re ABLE to behave and cooperate.
Emotion Coaching
When kids learn to manage their emotions, they can manage their behaviour, so they’re ABLE to behave and cooperate. But humans only gain control of our emotions by befriending them. Start by accepting and acknowledging your child’s full range of emotion with as much compassion as you can muster. Then add lots of roughhousing play to get your child laughing at least half an hour a day — that’s how kids work through their fears. This gives your child the support she needs to regulate her emotions, so she can behave as her best self. She learns that actions must be limited, but that she is more than enough, exactly as she is — complete with all her complicated emotions. That feeling of “goodness” is what helps all of us make progress toward our good intentions.
Modelling
Children learn their values and emotional regulation from what parents DO, not from what we SAY. As my teenage daughter said,
“You always listened to us and tried to work things out and you didn’t punish us. So we learned to listen to each other, and other people, and to try to work things out so it works for everyone, and we don’t use force to get our way.”
Notice this is the foundation that keeps kids from participating in bullying.
Helping your child take responsibility for her actions happens every day that you set empathic limits, connect, empathise, empower your child to repair, emotion coach, model, and discuss.
Discussion
Children learn from experience accompanied by reflection. It’s our job to provide the opportunities for reflection. That means LOTS of talking and listening with your child, daily. If you only talk when there’s a problem, you can count on lots of problems.
Helping your child take responsibility for her actions happens every day that you set empathic limits, connect, empathise, empower your child to repair, emotion coach, model, and discuss.
You’ll notice that much of this is prevention. Prevention is always the most effective strategy, because once kids “misbehave” your options are more limited. Luckily, when you parent this way, kids don’t act out as much. Once you get out of the habit of punishing and see how much your child WANTS to cooperate, you won’t miss punishment at all.
Find the original article here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
