10. Set limits as necessary.
If your child has broken a family rule, then you’ll need to reinforce that rule.
- “Homework always comes first, before play.”
- “I expect you to use your words to tell your sister when you’re upset. No hurting each other’s bodies.”
Setting a limit is not a one-time thing — you need to do it over and over. Parents often get frustrated about this need for repetition and think that punishment will help prevent recurrences. But it’s much more effective to address the root causes of the “misbehaviour.” If your child is having a hard time following your limits, consider what support he or she needs to meet your expectations.
For instance, when your children hurt each other, insist on repair. But make sure you also address the sibling rivalry, and help them learn to express their needs and wants without attacking each other.
Another kind of “support” so kids can meet your expectations is to manage the child’s environment by setting clear house rules and agreements. So, for instance, don’t get your child a phone until they can manage it. Don’t allow it to be on except during limited hours in the afternoon and evening when it won’t intrude on homework, dinner and winding down before bed. When the child first gets the phone, review daily with your child what texts and calls were made, and how much time the child spent on the phone, to help them develop healthy habits.
If you find yourself needing to back-track and impose rules now about an issue like homework or screens that has become a problem, be clear with your child that this is not a punishment, and resist the urge to be punitive. You are giving your child the structure and support they need to be successful. They may not like it, and you will listen to their unhappiness and empathise, but that doesn’t mean you will change your limits. Once your child has developed the new habits that will help them meet your expectations, and can demonstrate their ability to be responsible, they can petition you for a change.
11. Don’t rescue.
Sometimes your child’s infraction goes beyond the family. He was caught cheating at school, or drinking with his buddies, or he caused a car accident.
Resist the temptation to rescue him from the consequences of his actions. If you do, he will learn nothing from this incident.
That’s a set-up for him to repeat the behaviour that led to this result (or worse). Instead, listen, empathise, and love him unconditionally. But be very clear that he has to pay the price for his behaviour. If that means failing the course at school, or working to repair the car and not being allowed to drive it, that’s the natural consequence of his behaviour. Much better for him to suffer the pain now and learn something, while he’s a minor.
12. Expect an adjustment period.
Like any transition, a change in your parenting from punitive to peaceful parenting will include both of you learning the new territory. No blame. We all do the best we can as parents.
But if you’ve been punishing, your child was obeying out of fear. Once you stop punishing, she stops obeying. So you need to make it your highest priority to do some repair work on your connection, FIRST, so she WANTS to cooperate with you, and doesn’t want to disappoint you. Otherwise, she’ll just flaunt your rules.
An important part of connecting is empathy, including when you set limits. Work hard to speak with respect, and be clear that you expect civility in return: “You must be so upset to speak to me that way… What’s going on?”
Stay compassionate. Welcome upset feelings. The more safety you can provide, the sooner your child will be willing to share what’s really bothering them.
Once your child expresses all those uncomfortable feelings they’ve been lugging around, they’ll be much more open to connecting. And because you’ve stayed compassionate, they’ll know you’re on their side, and they’ll be more likely to honour their agreements with you. They’ll even start thanking you for your patience!
As you can see, you don’t need to announce that you’ve “stopped punishing.” Instead, you naturally transition to teaching kids to repair. If they ask, you can simply say “It seems to me that you’ll learn a lot more from this. What do you think?”
The hard part is changing your own habits, but luckily you’ll see positive changes very quickly so you’ll have incentive to keep going. Don’t worry about changing your child’s thinking. If you change, they change.
Find the original article here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
