It’s important to realise that parents don’t think about stepping back for no good reason. A child that is adapting to change well rarely has a parent think, “Oh, better step back! He’s doing too well!” No, the parents who consider stepping back consider this because they see that things are not going well. They may have children who are becoming highly distressed all the time or during these transitions, they may see stress behaviours coming out more frequently, and they may feel like they are struggling themselves because of the intense backlash from their child.
If this were a partner, we would think the parent inconsiderate for plowing forward without consideration of their partner’s feelings, so why not the child?
Why would we not ask a parent to consider the wellbeing of their kids? Isn’t this what responsiveness is about?
Thus, when we have families facing these types of situations, we have to be clear that being responsive to what you see in your child is not regressing or giving in. It’s listening. It’s responding. It’s sensitivity. These are crucial elements to parenting and crucial to building attachment and trust in the long-term. It may feel like a step back in terms of the change that is happening, but actually it can also be viewed as a huge step forward in terms of your child feeling heard and respected, things that will help move your relationship forward.
There’s another benefit to stepping back, similar to that of being willing to “give in”: namely that when our kids are older, they know that when they feel uncomfortable in situations, you will listen.
You won’t force them through which would likely lead to them suffering in silence and not speaking to you. Teens can struggle with a lot and they can face immense emotional ups and downs and knowing they can come to you about these emotions and know you will respond with sensitivity is important. It gives them a security net as opposed to asking them to internalise these things, which can lead to a host of mental health issues.
People often complain about how their older children shut them out, but some of that can come from our own failure to listen when they were younger. Let’s change that and know that giving in and regressing in change are not inherently bad things, but can actually be positive tools to help us in our relationships with our children.
Originally published here.
Tracy Cassels, PhD is the Director of Evolutionary Parenting, a science-based, attachment-oriented resource for families on a variety of parenting issues. In addition to her online resources, she offers one-on-one support to families around the world and is regularly asked to speak on a variety of issues from sleep to tantrums at conferences and in the media. She lives in Prince Edward County, Ontario, Canada with her husband and two children.
