Letting go of these fears means digging deep to the source of our anxiety. Our fears about our children are rarely about our children and almost always about us.
Instead of parenting from fear, we can give our children the tools they need to remain true to themselves even in the face of adversity. Maybe then we can dare to let go and trust in the process of their development. We can provide a safe haven our kids can return to when life gets them down, and in doing so we’ll give them the courage to wander out into the big world.
We can dare to trust our children to communicate us what they need through their words and actions, and we can choose to believe them.
Most importantly, we can dare to believe in our children’s inherent ability to be exactly who they are meant to be.
And that can change our entire approach to parenting.
As Nelson Mandela says, “May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” Focusing on our hopes will change the way we relate to and ultimately raise our children. Fear-based parenting instills fear, so the opposite must also be true. If we raise our children with trust, they will learn to trust themselves. If we’re secure in who they are, they too will feel secure.
What if we realized that it’s not our job to shape our children into who we want them to be but rather to create an environment conducive to their individuation? We can’t force our children to be successful, kind, or even happy. What we can do is model our values and trust our children to find their own way.
If parenting from a place of trust rather than one of fear, we might enjoy our children more. We might learn to relax. The knots might loosen, and we might smile more.
Taoist and author William Martin reminds us, “You do not have to make your children into wonderful people. You only have to remind them that they are wonderful people.”
Expressed similarly by author and activist Glennon Doyle, “Don’t let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget you already have one.”
Megan Stonelake is a therapist and parent coach who teaches parents all over the world how to become more peaceful. She has written extensively on peaceful parenting for Parent.co, Hey Sigmund, and The Huffington Post among others. You can follow her blog or schedule a session at her website. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
