The messages that we shared led me to ask a question and share a thought. I asked the question has she ever had a miscarriage. The answer was yes. I asked because I had had one many, many years ago and it was horrific, as I am sure there can be no other way. No matter how far you are pregnant, how many days, weeks or months, the trauma is exactly the same.
The circumstances of mine were so extreme that I was not around anyone who could hold the space for my pain. Those who were around me were already carrying so many wounds from their own life path that they were unable to.
So now I wonder, is the longing and the loss linked? Does it matter if you have one child or five?
Is the longing for another really about a child that can walk on this earth? Or is it for the angel child that has wings and seems so very far away from us?
As I pondered these questions, life gave me another push. As I looked on my phone at my social media, three birthdays popped up, one of which happened to be for a dear lady who is no longer on this earth. On her page I sent my birthday wishes to her in heaven. I cared enough about this lady to still wish to reach out. Yet how many times have I done the same for my child with angel wings?
Maybe, just maybe, not enough times have I reached out and connected to my child in heaven. So is this pull, this longing, not actually for another child but for this child with wings? So even if I was in a relationship and could have more children, would there be that longing coming creeping into me when the next child had gone past the intense needing age?
I am sharing this as the thought has occurred to me that there could well be many silent women out there, silently feeling exactly the same way as me.
Silent because they feel they should be so grateful for the child/children that they already have. So they stay stuck with a pain that they do not share and whilst we are stuck we cannot grow and heal.
Sharing to you and asking the questions of myself, may they offer you an opportunity to first of all have compassion for yourself, stop beating yourself up and allow the possibility of another reason why this intense longing holds you so deep.
For myself, I have been given the answer that it is my child with wings that I need to be connecting with and every time I feel the longing it is an opportunity to connect with my child in heaven and to allow the relationship to grow. For this amazing body of mine has been carrying wisdom; I was just not hearing it clearly. I was lost in silence and guilt, silent because I felt I was not justified in my longing and guilt because I already have an amazing son.
I just needed to make room for my child with wings. May we all open our hearts to these beautiful babes and give thanks for the body that did not forget, that has been helping us reconnect with our ones in spirit.
Many blessings.
Sally Saint is a mother to an amazing 8-year-old son, woman, healer, artist, walker of this path of life. She is passionate about natural parenting as it is in line with parenting from the heart. Her life has given her many experiences and she wishes to share and support others on this path. Check out her website.
