3:30am Jonathan carries the baby seat through the front doors of A&E. I follow behind, head hung down, not wanting anyone in the waiting room to see what a failure of a mother I was. Straight away, a nurse greets us and the sight of her lovely warm face brings my sobbing on again. She takes us to a bay and soon I am surrounded by compassionate nurses telling me how hard breastfeeding can be. Already the sense of relief I feel is incredible. I’m not alone. I’m not a failure. This is hard.
I sip on a cup of tea and am introduced to a doctor. She too is a breastfeeding mother and she tells me, “it’s not always plain sailing, sometimes it’s hard”. She asks me to feed Jasper as she closely watches. Straight away she can see that I’m not putting enough of my breast in his mouth, meaning that when he feeds he is mashing my nipple with the hard part of his palette. “It’s no wonder you’re in so much pain”. She coaches me through different holds to try and sits with me for a while to be sure I understand. She wants to know that I’ve got the hang of it before she sends us on our way, along with a bag of remade formula, to give my nipples a break.
Two weeks later, I finally attended my first breastfeeding support group session. By this point, Jasper and me were breastfeeding pros and I’m glad to report that my nipples were finally back in one piece. I talked with the other mums about our breastfeeding experiences. Many of them told me how hard they had found it, how much they had struggled and how unprepared they had been for that. I thought to myself, “I wish I had known that it could be difficult. Maybe I wouldn’t have put so much pressure on myself, felt so ashamed, such a failure. Maybe I would’ve asked for help sooner”. This thought took me on a path that has become a PASSION of mine.
I began a portrait series called “Mother Nurture”. I ask mothers at different points of the breastfeeding journey to share their stories with me, the highs, the lows, their advice, all their thoughts on breastfeeding. I take their portrait as they nurse their children, and together we create images that capture that incredible bond between a feeding mother and baby. I share these honest stories with the world in the hopes of supporting and celebrating other mothers who choose this path. It’s been an incredible project and even though my breastfeeding journey is over (Jasper self weaned at one), I still delight in celebrating other nursing mothers by giving them images full of love!
The project is ongoing and if you would like to take part, please, please get in touch!
Sarah Haile is a Mother, Wife and Photographer based in Abergavenny, South Wales. Since her transformation into motherhood, she uses her camera to celebrate and empower the journeys of the mothers she meets. You can find her at www.sarahhailephoto.com and on Instagram @sarahhailephoto.
