In the full interview, Dr. Laura Markham discusses raising peaceful siblings from birth through adolescence.
You don’t say to your child, “Why can’t you play your piano without a fuss when it’s time for piano practice, the way your sister does? You know, the five-year-old sits down and practises the piano, but you’re seven and you won’t do it?”
No. In fact, what you say is, “I love the joy you take in the piano. I really want to hear. Let’s do it.” It’s irrelevant what the seven-year-old does. You’re just focused on the five-year-old.
Dr. Laura Markham on raising peaceful siblings
Then when the seven-year-old is like, “No, I don’t want to practise,” what you say is “Hmm. You really don’t want to practise today. Sometimes you really don’t want to practise at all, do you? You know what – you do need to practise because the teacher is expecting you to practise, but let’s talk about how to make it work for you. What would make it work? Would it help if I sat next to you? Would it help if you lined up all of your stuffed animals on the top of the piano and they all watch you? Do you want to make a recording that we can send to Grandma while you’re playing?”
You know, you can come up with all kinds of brainstorming. That was just off the top of my head. I’m sure every parent here could brainstorm with their child and come up with ideas.
But the point is, notice what I didn’t say: “Why don’t you do what your sister does,” right?
I think it’s really important here that we just remember that anything we’re addressing is about that child. It’s not about any other child.
If it’s something negative, keep it to that child. I’m going to add if it’s something positive, keep it to that child.
So the five-year-old is practising her piano. You don’t want to say to that five-year-old, or whatever child’s doing the thing you want, ‘Boy, I wish your sister would practise like you do with no fuss,’ because what that is doing is putting your five-year-old, or your your ‘good’ child, into a very awkward position. In order to maintain their place in your estimation, they have to remain the good child, and their sibling has to remain the ‘bad’ child.
Dr. Laura Markham on raising peaceful siblings
Now, suddenly, they’ve been set up with a vested interest in undermining their sibling, and they feel guilty, also, that they just happen to love piano. They know they’re not a perfect kid, right?
There are so many feelings you just created that are negative for the sibling relationship by comparing.
So when you find yourself doing it, bite your tongue. You don’t ever need to compare. It always gets in the way of the sibling relationship.
Sarah of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting
I love how real you’ve just made this, because you said “when you find yourself comparing.” It’s human nature. We are designed to notice differences from one tree to the next, much less between or among children.
It seems the key to raising peaceful siblings is in our part that we own as parents, and how we manage the relationships around us, and the words we use in those various situations.
Stay tuned for the next section of the interview, where Dr. Laura Markham talks more about peaceful siblings as the children get older.
In the meantime, make sure to check out our short but information-packed parenting courses.
Originally published here.
Sarah R. Moore is an internationally published writer and the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. You can follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram. She’s currently worldschooling her family. Her glass is half full.
