What happened in your family growing up when you did something wrong? I have reflected back on whether I knew, as a child, that mistakes are an important and necessary part of learning. Not at all sadly. Could I expect acceptance and support even when I made mistakes? I think the best I could hope for was to somehow get away with it, to hope for a bigger drama going down to take my parent’s attention!
Imagine how it might have felt if (or perhaps when) as a child you received messages such as these:
“It’s OK, it’s just a mistake, no biggie!”, or
“It’s OK, I’ll help you fix it up”, or
“How frustrating to burn the food after putting so much work into it”, or
“I’m not happy that this got broke, it’s going to cost a lot to replace it, but I know it was an accident”, or
“I know that it was a moment of extreme frustration for you, and what’s most important is that you know I’m here to help you learn to manage your frustrations in a healthy way” (read my article Aggression – why children lash out and what to do), or
“I know I got really angry earlier when you threw and broke the ornament, I’m still really disappointed because it meant a lot to me, AND I’m very concerned about what caused you to feel so upset as to do this.” – Not that I, like many from my generation, would have ever, ever had the courage to express my anger so openly!
What did you learn to expect as a child? I can imagine some of you reading noting the strong contrast between such imaginary responses in comparison to what you grew to expect as a child. Yet, it’s this kind of message which supports and empowers children to take on the weight of self-responsibility – slowly but surely.
I had a little melt-my-heart moment one day lately, which led me to reflect on this whole topic. We all sat at the dinner table, my (then) 17-year-old son had made the whole meal, yet he was looking very sad and disappointed. He apologized that the omelet was burnt on the bottom. His 12-year-old sister quickly reassured him; “It’s OK, we all learn from our mistakes all the time. Thank you for making dinner, it looks yum!”
Yes he was still disappointed AND his sister had helped him restore his dignity because she cared more about his feelings than the burnt food. And I believe that children develop their heart to share empathy and reassurances when they themselves gain repeated experiences in their young years of being supported to preserve their dignity when faced with mistakes, disappointments and failures – life’s challenges.
Fostering kindness amongst siblings. Other than the fact that seeing our children being really sweet to each other generally melts one’s heart, it was a moment when I really reflected on how liberating it must be for a child to truly carry the value that making mistakes is an unavoidable and necessary part of the process of learning and growth, not a negative reflection of one’s self. And not just the little mistakes, but the really big ones that cause another to get very upset.
I’ve really wanted to keep my heart open to my children no matter what happens, not necessarily in every minute of every day, but overall in each day of their lives. Sometimes this is really hard to do. I haven’t yet met a parent who doesn’t find this hard at least some of the time.
For me, I had been immersed for many years in self-healing and personal development work, both personally and professionally, before becoming a parent, and I had this strong sense of wanting to preserve my child’s beauty and innocence. I was determined not to turn him against himself. I was acutely aware of how much work it takes to change those deeply ingrained unhealthy patterns of relating with self and others. I’ve really wanted to keep my heart open to my children no matter what happens, not necessarily in every minute of every day, but overall in each day of their lives. Sometimes this is really hard to do. I haven’t yet met a parent who doesn’t find this hard at least some of the time.
Sometimes as parents we get triggered into painful thoughts and feelings and don’t feel very caring, sometimes we do judge our child harshly and they know it and it takes all we’ve got to return back to a place where we can own our own pain and show them that we still care about their pain.
Most parents find it hard to be more kind than critical towards themselves when they struggle. It’s a big ask to expect ourselves to generously apply tolerance, patience and support to our children through their struggles, especially if we carry an ingrained belief that we don’t ourselves deserve empathy and support when we let others down. It’s so important to develop the patience and kindness towards ourselves that we aim to give our children.
A commitment to non-punitive peaceful parenting, to bringing more empathy into your interactions in your family now gives your child the gift of feeling more at peace in their minds and hearts. And to much more easily return to peace within themselves when they stuff up, when tensions, challenges and conflicts arise.
It was the realization at age 17 that I pretty much had NO peace of mind, that it was a horrible, scary and confusing mess in my head and heart which started me on my path to finding peace. One day when pouring it all out into my journal it hit me that maybe, just maybe, it’s possible to not just aim to appear to be at peace, but to actually live with that feeling of being at peace within myself. This gave me the inspiration to start looking inside and finding the courage to feel what felt too hard to feel and sharing what felt too hard to share. My eldest is 18 now and seeing how overall strong, proud and at peace he and his sister are makes all the hard work of changing patterns so worthwhile.
Genevieve Simperingham is a Psychosynthesis Counsellor, a certified Aware Parenting Instructor, parent educator, a blogger and public speaker. She’s been parenting with attachment principles from the beginning, her son is 21 and daughter 16. She runs the Peaceful Parent Institute in New Zealand and offers live and online events. Check out her website www.peacefulparent.com.
