The Special Needs Mother: This Was You All Along

But my role in his world has been redefined from those early days when all I wanted was my life ‘back on track’ and staying in a zone where I felt comfortable and safe. I wanted to know my future, what it would look like. My role has changed significantly, I now realise. Because back then, I never knew where I was going in the first place. I just knew I wanted what I felt everyone else had – or rather, I wanted to emulate their highlights reel.

The truth is, I don’t know where my life is taking me. I will never know. The loss of our beautiful Nicky forced my hand in accepting my child’s genetic diagnosis would never have stayed the biggest thing in my world – because life changes in an instant. We loved Nicholas for the joy we watched him bring, and because he was a soul who deserved and needed to be loved, never simply because he was ‘in the community’. Nicholas was a light, a pure personality and his mother reflected his light perfectly through a pen and a camera. I am eternally grateful for the memories she helped him leave behind.

So I’ll keep encouraging my son to be himself, find his voice, find his feet and smooth the way for his personality to shine. I’ll look for the good in people, as I watch Annie consistently do so well. I practice this daily with my son, and his instant acceptance and love teaches me to look harder to find the purest qualities in others, while moderating my relationships with solid boundaries. I learn this to teach the skill to him in turn.

Giving into this glorious, messy, wild, loving, busy, sleepless, joyful ride of humanity right NOW means remembering the options waiting around the corner never need to be set in stone. In fact, they can’t be. They will remain limitless if I choose them to be in this moment. And that in itself brings its own quiet peace.

We need to always remember humanity is inherently good. People are good. Intent is everything. Don’t ignore the bad, speak up loudly – but know it’s not the norm. Look for the good in the world. Show them when you hurt, when you don’t understand and when they’ve hurt you or yours in turn. Let them see you as a person, and what you’re about. How you can love passionately, and hard, and stay strong on what’s important to you. Show the world you have flaws, and you get scared, and remind them it’s normal to worry about your future and that of your children – while knowing that your worry and fear will never define you.

Nothing has changed in the world that hasn’t generally already happened to someone before us. Our chapter is new – but the story is much the same. So reach out, and find those stories to help you as you write your own.

You can trust the world. It’s okay to slow down, plan for the now, and let the rest work itself out. It’s okay to take a deep breath. Trust what’s coming will always march closer, regardless of your plans. The future inevitably will become the now. And this, too, shall pass.

You won’t change. You’ll just grow into yourself. Because this was you all along.

Originally published on Parker Myles. 

Kat Abianac is the owner of Kat & Fox Digital, a Wellness Advocate & online course creator. From Brisbane Australia, she is also a proud parent to two beautiful children. Follow her on Facebook or visit www.katabianac.com.