Most of the time, we don’t even consciously notice the thoughts that start us off down the slippery slope, or the uncomfortable feelings they give rise to. But when we have a thought that upsets us, our body responds by going into flight, fight or freeze.
So what we actually notice is a sudden urgent need to take action. Any action, just to stop those uncomfortable feelings, to make us feel like we’re doing something to address the situation. Suddenly, we’re awash in stress neurotransmitters signaling us to get ready for an emergency.
So we suddenly crave a snack (that’s freeze) or take refuge in a screen (that’s flight). Or everything sets us off, so we find ourselves snapping at our partner, yelling at our kids, or slamming things around (that’s fight).
Unfortunately, the actions we take from that place of fear or anxiety are never helpful. They’re not even designed to address the situation constructively; they’re just an automatic reaction to fend off our anxiety.
You can’t prevent stressful events. But you CAN change how you think about them. You can notice the thoughts and the feelings they cause. You can change the thoughts, which changes the feelings. And you can work through the places where you’re getting stuck, which gives you more peace with what you can’t change, and more power to change what you can.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
