Learning to Listen Deeply
So how do we practise the art of deep listening? Just as weight training helps us build and strengthen the muscles of our body, practising deep listening builds and strengthens our capacity to listen. Every day we are presented with opportunities to practise being truly present with others and connecting their experience in a more powerful way. Here are some tips for building your deep listening “muscle”:
1. Connect with yourself first
One of the best ways to build our capacity to listen deeply to others is to practise slowing down, turning our attention inward, and being present with our own experience-with our own thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations.
In other words, by listening deeply to ourselves and connecting with our own experience, it becomes easier to do so for others.
2. Make time
Deep listening requires our time. It may be helpful to build regular, intentional time into your schedule to truly be present with people you love. For couples, this could be a once-a-week check-in in which you give each other space to discuss what is on your mind and in your heart, with an emphasis on connection over criticism. For parents, the walk or drive home from school and mealtimes may be good opportunities to check in with your child and simply be present for whatever comes up. Build a routine that works for you and your loved ones, whatever that looks like. The important thing is that we make time.
3. Minimise distractions (and put down your phone!)
Many of us have become master multi-taskers, splitting our attention between multiple tasks and flicking between tabs on our screens. Deep listening can’t be just another tab open; it requires our full mind and heart to show up. Even young children can tell when adults in their lives are distracted, and research shows that parents’ increased distraction can take a toll on children’s development.10 Therefore, it is important to minimise distractions during the time we devote to deep listening. This may mean putting down our phones, turning off the TV, and shutting down the computer; it may mean going someplace away from the hustle and bustle of the office or home.
We don’t have to sit in perfect stillness to listen deeply (many of my favourite listening moments have transpired on walks with loved ones), but limiting distractions can help create the conditions for our minds to settle and be fully present.
4. Notice the urge to move away (interrupt, fix, distract, move on) and choose to come back
Mindful listening is all about paying attention and noticing, and this includes noticing when tension, anxiety, or distraction arise. Often, these signal a desire to move away from being with the person and towards doing-for example, interrupting, changing the topic, or trying to “fix” the problem. When this tendency arises, simply notice it. Name it silently, “Ah! There’s me trying to fix this,” and gently return to listening.
Be gentle with yourself. Many people didn’t experience deep listening in their childhood and enter adulthood with a limited capacity for listening to and being with others’ emotions. We tend to fall back on the communication styles and habits that we experienced in our family of origin, even if these are unhelpful in our adult relationships. Notice when these old tendencies are present and appreciate that it takes time to learn to communicate differently. Thankfully, deep listening does not require perfection; it requires awareness-and a willingness to practise coming back “home” to those we love again and again.
References
[1] Korff, J. (2019). Deep listening (dadirri). Retrieved from https://www.creativespirits.info/aboriginalculture/education/deep-listening-dadirri
[2] Winfrey, O. (2010). Oprah Talks to Thich Nhat Hanh. Retrieved from https://www.oprah.com/spirit/oprah-talks-to-thich-nhat-hanh/5
[3] Geller, S. M., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Therapeutic presence: A mindful approach to effective therapy. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/13485-000
Originally published here.
Jessie Stern, Ph.D., is a Developmental Psychologist and a National Institute of Child Health & Human Development Postdoctoral Fellow at the University of Virginia. Her research focuses on how attachment relationships shape human empathy, altruism, health, and wellbeing from infancy to adulthood.
Rachel Samson, M.Psych, is an Australian-based Clinical Psychologist. Rachel specialises in attachment-focused therapeutic interventions and the trait of high sensitivity (sensory processing sensitivity). She is passionate about the interaction of attachment and temperament, and their influence on emotional wellbeing across the lifespan. You can follow Rachel on Instagram and Facebook and visit her website.
