Moderation is not a possibility for someone like me.
Once I start, I can not stop.
It didn’t matter if I had work the next day or if I had to do the school run.
If I was out and asked to stay for one more.. I always, without fail, said yes.
I listened to the pixie and I chose binge drinking over my own health.
I chose binge drinking over my family.
Now, even though I’ve not had a drink in over two years, I still find myself wondering if I could just have one. The pixie’s voice is still inside me. I know I can’t, I know it would lead down a dark path, but habit means I still give him a voice.
Honestly, it’s annoying. I don’t want to be picturing myself downing a beer or sipping a wine. It’s not who I am. But his voice penetrates everything I’ve learned. It’s loud and clear and wants me to disobey my goodness.
I guess that’s why people relapse. The imagery of happy times and chatty wines gets too tempting and the pixie convinces its host that it will all be OK. That one is allowed.
The pixie, I suppose, is addiction. It’s that addictive side of my brain telling me that it needs a hit, or that drowning in alcohol is better than facing life. It’s the part of me that wants to give in, surrender when the fight gets too hard.
It’s him saying – “Go on, one won’t matter”.
But one matters.
One means my life could spiral out of control. One means I’ve given up on my family. One means I don’t care about myself. One means everything. One means two and two means three and three means, well….. who knows..
There is no such things as pixies and for me, there is no such thing as moderation.
Both fictional characters in my fairytale.
I failed at moderation for many years and now I don’t fail because I don’t give it a chance.
I say a big ‘NO’ to one.
I think my failing at moderation could be what led me to finding this life, finding my sobriety. Maybe it’s part of the whole messy journey to today?
Living life without moderating my drinking means a whole part of my life is free from stress. I don’t have to question it. I know.
It means my family and I get to live happily ever after.
Originally published here.
Victoria lives on The Sunshine Coast on the East Coast of Australia. She has three uncontrollable children, a very patient husband and a dog. She’s been sober for 2 years and writes about her zig zaggy journey in her blog –www.drunkmummysobermummy.com. Victoria is currently writing a book about parenting, alcohol and life as a sober mum.