3. They miss you and are looking for you
I know that our society has become obsessed with independence, particularly when it comes to sleep, but our babies are designed to be near us. The scientific definition of attachment is the drive or relationship characterised by the pursuit and preservation of proximity. Our babies are meant to search for us, they are designed to search out connections with those who care for them.
To be independent our children first need to be dependent upon us. Children will become independent when all of their attachment needs have been met and they feel securely attached at the deepest levels. What is important to understand is that attachment happens over time and that all stages of attachment being met, therefore preparing for more separation and independence, will not happen until the age of 6, and only if they have spent a lot of time with us, being able to depend and connect.
While I could talk about attachment forever, I think something very important to note is that babies attach through the senses.
They need to be able to see, touch, smell, hear or feel a parent. For the first year of life these senses are the ONLY way our children can attach.
When we understand this, it is easy to see that at nighttime, if they are not with us, they will search for proximity and connection with us.
Nighttime, for our babies, represents 12 hours of separation from us. It is the biggest separation that our children often face. If you are looking for more information on how to bridge this separation, or how to reduce this separation, then you will want to think of ways that your child can be with you, and smell you, even if you are not there. Remember that it is recommended to be co-sleeping (room sharing), for at least the first 6 months (personally I am an advocate for room-sharing for at least the first year).
I also tend to see an increase in night wakes when Mum, or the primary caregiver, has just returned to work. If your baby is used to being with you almost all day everyday, this can be a huge change for them.
It is only natural to expect that they may try to make up for this through the night by searching for additional proximity and connection.
Intentional connection before bed is essential during transitions such as these.
Personally, I think this quote in an article by James McKenna beautifully illustrates a baby’s desire to be close to their parents: “Given the human infant’s evolutionary past, where even brief separations from the parent could mean certain death, we might want to question why infants protest sleep isolation. They may be acting adaptively, rather than pathologically. Perhaps these infant “signalers,” as Tom Anders calls them, have unique needs and require parental contact more than do some other infants, who fail to protest. It’s worth considering.” If bed-sharing is something your family want to do to increase proximity, please be sure to research the Safe Sleep 7 to be sure you are bed-sharing safely.
For more information on attachment and the return to work, my Parenting Beyond Sleep course covers everything that you need to know.
4. They are uncomfortable
Have you noticed your little one squirming around looking uncomfortable, maybe arching their back, grunting and grimacing, especially in the early morning hours? This can be a strong indicator of discomfort caused by digestion or gassiness. If you have noticed this, something to look into for your little one may be food sensitivities. Often wakes will increase at 6 months of age as this is when parents typically begin to introduce solids. Keeping a food diary to recognise any correlations between increased wakes and foods eaten can be very helpful.
Teething can also be a really big cause of discomfort. Check your little one’s mouth and see if you can see any new teeth and remember to be empathetic, it hurts!
5. Illness
When babies are sick you may feel like everything related to sleep is regressing completely.
Comfort your baby when they need it and rest assured once they are feeling better, sleep will go back to what it was before the illness.
Illness is something that should never be taken lightly with babies. Even though it may cause some sleep challenges, you need to accept this and be sure you are tuning into your baby and meeting all of their needs.
6. Undiagnosed tongue ties and breathing issues
If your baby is waking hourly, this can be a red flag for medical concerns that may be interrupting sleep.
If your child has an undiagnosed tongue tie, you may notice clicking sounds while breastfeeding, you may have had pain in the beginning, you may see milk spilling out of the sides of their mouth when feeding (breast or bottle). Another strong indicator is a baby whose growth may be on track, but who is also eating 12+ times in a 24 hour period. Taking really short and frequent feeds is your baby’s way of getting what they would need because eating is so tiring when the tongue is not functioning properly. If this is happening, reach out to an IBCLC for more support.
