So how am I supposed to respond to tears in my child?
Welcome – even invite – the big emotions your child faces, including tears. Your welcome of their big emotions is a welcome of your child, whichever way he or she comes. While it may feel frightening at first to simply let them cry, realise that tears will always come to a natural conclusion when the feelings are spent.
Emotions are meant to move us.
Have faith that by allowing tears and distress to be expressed in your child, they will do their work and move the child to a new emotional state. Psychologist Gordon Neufeld says that tears “can unlock an emotional journey which sets the stage for bouncing back.”2 When tears are allowed to do their work properly, it gives the body a means of releasing all that pent-up negative energy so that it may find its resilience to rise anew, full of positivity again, in the wake of the release.
See how Caroline helps Lachlan find a different way through by creating a welcoming space for tears in the revisited story below.
Story revisited
“Lachlan, come along. We’re going to be late for the game! You’ll need to grab your gear and come now.”
Lachlan looked up darkly at his mother from under his duvet without moving.
“What’s up?” she smiled playfully picking up the family cat, Millie, off his bed. “Cat got your tongue?”
“Leave me alone!” he retorted angrily. “I’m too tired to play soccer today.”
Caroline searched his face. Something was wrong. He wasn’t usually like this before a soccer match. She glanced at the clock…20 minutes before the warm up. Sighing, she realised they might not make it in time.
“Honey what’s up?” she asked more gently, allowing Millie to resettle herself, purring, into Lachlan’s shoulder.
Staring blankly ahead, he mechanically stroked Millie a while, but did not reply.
Caroline got up and began absently tidying away bits and pieces from around the room.
Did he stay up watching the game too late with his dad last night? she wondered. Or was it all that schoolwork he had, now he was in high school? Was it all too much for him?
Stopping a moment to catch his eye, she paused and said, “Lachlan, if it’s too much, we needn’t go to the game. I can see you’re not feeling great today and you have a lot of homework to do.”
Angrily pushing his duvet aside and sending Millie flying for cover, he exclaimed, “No it’s not that Mum!”
Caroline stepped backwards quickly and accidentally tripped over Millie. Feeling a little clumsy and foolish, she stood carefully and brushed herself down, then paused, and examined his face.
Lachlan’s head dropped suddenly.
“Mum…” he paused awkwardly and suddenly his face looked deeply vulnerable.
“What is it darling?” she asked gently, stepping towards him and putting a hand on his shoulder.
“Mum…I didn’t make it into the team… I’m not going to be in the rep team going to Malaysia this year after all.”
“Darling, I had no idea!” said Caroline, putting an arm on his shoulder.
Suddenly Lachlan could contain it no longer and huge, gulping sobs erupted from his chest.
“You poor love! You must feel devastated!” said Caroline, rubbing his back as he cried. “You’ve been holding on to this for a while then? Just let it out, honey. Let it out. It feels good to let it out you know.”
Lachlan’s sobs continued until all his feelings of agonising disappointment were spent. Eventually he took a deep breath and looked up at his mother. “It’s ok. I’m going to be ok. I guess I’ve still got my local club to play in.” Then, looking at her more closely he asked, “What’s that all over your apron?”
Looking down, she pulled out a dripping and squashed orange from her apron pocket – it had been crushed when she had fallen over his chair – and said, “We’re meant to be on oranges at half time…” A chuckle escaped Lachlan’s throat and Caroline joined in.
“You should have said something!” Lachlan laughed. Suddenly, he stood up and looked at his watch. “Well, we’d better get going Mum.”
Caroline checked the clock – 5 minutes til warm up time.
“Great!” she answered, picking up her energy. “We can do this! You get dressed quickly Lachlan, and I’ll grab the oranges. Let’s hope there’s no traffic between here and the soccer field!”
References
- Macnamara, Deborah. ‘Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Pre-Schoolers (or Anyone Who Acts like One)‘. Aona Books, 2016.
- Neufeld, Gordon. ‘Resilience, Recovery and Relationship: Towards Flourishing Children and Youth’. Calgary, 2017.
- Solter, Aletha. ‘Understanding Tears and Tantrums’. 2000, 5.
Adrienne Wood is a presenter, educator, parent consultant and mother to two adolescents of her own. She has a particular interest in children presenting with complex behavioural needs. Drawing on her training with the Neufeld Institute, she seeks to help parents and professionals better understand youth from an attachment-based developmental perspective. To learn more about Adrienne’s work with parents visit www.heartsync.co.nz
