Therefore, when children have explosive and persistent challenging behaviors, it’s a signal for adults to pay attention – it’s not a purposeful manipulation on the part of the child to get attention. This is an important distinction. The key point is that every human being has his or her own triggers, and unless we understand these triggers – whether it comes from the environment or from something internal to the child, like an intolerable sensation or an emotion – we will potentially miss the bigger picture in supporting children with behavioral challenges.
What I have found is that when we redefine behaviors from a “seeking negative attention” point of view to this more complex understanding, it shifts everything. We move from blaming to investigating and ask the question: What kind of caring attention does this child need, at this moment, from the adults around him or her?
The key point is that every human being has his or her own triggers, and unless we understand these triggers – whether it comes from the environment or from something internal to the child, like an intolerable sensation or an emotion – we will potentially miss the bigger picture in supporting children with behavioral challenges.
In the wise words of parent educator, Janet Lansbury, the message that children need to hear from adults when they are in a state of distress is: “We are here to help when you are out of control and we see the discomfort behind your behavior.” So instead of assuming that a child is seeking negative attention, say to yourself “Pay attention!” and work to discover what has triggered that child into distress. And most importantly, use the child’s behavior as a guide to find out what he or she needs from you relationally at that moment.
I provide a roadmap for this lens shift for parents, educators and other providers in my upcoming book Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.
Originally published HERE.
Mona Delahooke, Ph.D., is a pediatric psychologist specializing in supporting children with developmental, behavioral, and emotional challenges. Find more at www.monadelahooke.com, or follow her on Facebook.
