Here are three best practices for faster course correction.
1. Notice your own reactions.
Like an airplane, you’re actually equipped to notice when you get off-course. When you feel bad, that’s your beeping red light on the dashboard. Your own upset feelings are a signal to you to change course.
You may have thought those feelings were a signal that something outside of you needed changing, like maybe your child. And yes, your internal alarm system is indeed designed to show you when something isn’t working for you. But the message is always for you to begin by getting centred, so you can make a wise decision about the best way to intervene. (Hint: You’re always modeling for your child, which means you want your interventions to include compassion and connection, even when you’re setting limits).
So when you veer into dangerous territory, just Stop, Drop (your agenda, just until you calm down) and Breathe (deeply at least three times).
You’re always modeling for your child, which means you want your interventions to include compassion and connection, even when you’re setting limits
Resist taking action until you calm yourself. Use a mantra that helps you feel calmer and more emotionally generous, such as:
- It’s not an emergency.
- He’s acting like a child because he is a child.
- Choose love!
2. Remind yourself of your target destination.
For instance, at this moment maybe you’re tired and frustrated, but your end goals are to stay positively connected to your child and to model emotional regulation, because that helps your child to self-regulate — right now, and for the rest of her life.
What’s your vision of your relationship with your child? Warm, close, your child being open to your guidance? Let all your steps take you toward that vision.
Ask yourself: If I were my child, what would I need right now?
What’s your vision of your relationship with your child? Warm, close, your child being open to your guidance? Let all your steps take you toward that vision.
3. Reconnect with your child.
Sure, you want to teach him a lesson. But he can’t learn while he’s in fight, flight or freeze. He needs to reconnect with you to feel safe. Once you reconnect with compassion, and everyone’s settled down, he’ll be open to your guidance again.
Feeling too angry to reconnect? Give yourself whatever support you need to get back on track. You’re the grown-up, so you have to be the one to step up and heal the disconnects.
These three steps won’t keep you from getting off course, but they will help you get back on track faster. So when you find yourself off course, don’t worry about having been on the wrong path. Just start wherever you are, and course correct. Love will get you home.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
