By Jo Bealey
I often catch the words coming out of my mouth. I trip over them as I say them.. words which I have been conditioned to say, words that I have grown up hearing thousands of times… not just from my parents but teachers, grandparents, aunts, uncles… these words have circled our society for hundreds of years. And why now, as a therapist, I’m putting a stop to them.
For most of my life, I have strived to being a ‘good girl’ which I knew was held in high regard and was well liked.
Growing up, I wasn’t hugely academic or sporty; I was more of a creative thinker and feeler, but at a young age, this doesn’t always grant you the same recognition as getting high grades.
However, there was one thing I was very good at: being the good girl. Of course, I did have my moments, but as a child, the good girl is someone I aspired to be.
Growing up, I wasn’t hugely academic or sporty; I was more of a creative thinker and feeler, but at a young age, this doesn’t always grant you the same recognition as getting high grades.
To my family, what did a good girl look like? A good girl was someone who did as they were told, didn’t speak up, wasn’t overly emotive, was very agreeable, and said my please and thank yous.
Whilst you are reading, you might be thinking, “you sounded so well behaved!”. But there is a negative underbelly to being a ‘good’ child..
Whilst I was trying so hard to be the good girl, a rich, very busy internal world developed.
Over the years, I had learnt it was the ‘good girl’ who was liked, loved and accepted.
The girl who was frustrated, feeling angry and upset was met fire with fire. When I was angry, I learnt it made my parents angry too. I would be berated, sent to another room, smacked. Big emotions were not acceptable.
As a result, an emotional invisible wall was built between my parents and me. Often, I viewed the wall as transparent. I can see through it, I can see my parents on the other side but I cannot get through. I cannot reach them emotionally to express what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling and who as parents, I need them to be a certain way at that very moment.
Over the years, I had learnt it was the ‘good girl’ who was liked, loved and accepted.
I became my own emotional regulator, which as any child, I wasn’t overly equipped for.
This invisible wall started to appear in other aspects of my life: in friendships, at school and romantic relationships.
I had unconsciously learnt it wasn’t safe or advisable for me to share my thoughts and feelings with others…especially if I wanted to be liked.
