When we force a child to stay in one place for an allotted time while ignoring or isolating them, or stonewall them by refusing to speak to them, they learn by example that rejection of another person, including refusal to respond or make eye contact, is an appropriate way to deal with a problem with another person. Yet as a counsellor, a painful relationship problem that many adults present relates to stonewalling (otherwise known as the silent treatment), a communication shut down when certain hot topics surface. And as a parent coach, a common problem that parents seek advice around relates to social fears and anxieties their child has developed relating to children harshly rejecting and excluding other children.
Stonewalling According to Kathy Nickerson, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships, “The recipient of stonewalling feels ignored, misunderstood, invalidated, and just plain hurt.” Many people tell her “they feel so unimportant that they don’t even deserve a response.”
The child who scowls at their younger sibling and pushes them over out of frustration as they say; “no bad boy, don’t break up my lego!” is not a naughty child who needs to be punished, but a child who is in the very slow and gradual process of developing impulse control and social skills, (just like other skills such as reading and writing). What they need is our genuinely patient help and guidance. If we want big sibling to learn to manage that aggressive impulse and say “I’m angry that you broke my lego, do you want to play with this instead?”, then the child needs to be on the receiving end of their wrongdoings being repeatedly responded to with clear non-attacking reflection, along with problem solving possible solutions; “it looks like your little brother is upset about you pushing him over, come with me honey (offering your hand) let’s help him feel better. You both want to play with the lego don’t you, hmm this is tricky isn’t it. Let’s think about how we can solve this problem?” This guides the child through the process of repairing the connection with their sibling without shaming or rejecting them. If the older child refuses to engage in this way, it’s because they are likely still to emotional and upset and unable to be that generous when they still have high needs themselves for the kind of emotional support that will take them out of distress and back to feeling more settled. Upset children are not capable of reasoning, problem solving or being generous or caring towards others. Big skills that take years to develop!
Aggression is a cry for help. Contrary to what parents hope, the child who’s put in time out for hurting little brother likely feels so upset and rejected, that they’re very unlikely to be able to think clearly about what might have worked better, let alone feel genuine remorse. Their thinking is likely fuelled by their upset feelings and perhaps a desire to not get caught next time. They’re unable to process all those feelings without their parent’s help, and will likely become even more resentful of little brother who started the whole thing in the first place!
Children need their parent’s reflection of the effects of their behaviour and need help thinking about what might have worked better, or what might work better next time. Children who receive feedback and guidance while also being given the message that their parent is genuinely interesting in respectfully listening to their perspective, feelings and needs are much more willing participants in the process of learning healthy social skills.
Children need help working through their feelings, rather than being put in the position of having to shut down their feelings in order to regain acceptance and support from their parent or caregiver.
“Caregiving which is responsive and reliable means that children develop an internal working model of the self that feels loved, lovable, and loving.” “Other people are experienced as attuned, loving, available, co-operative, predictable and dependable. Overall, the caregiving comes across as consistently responsive.” – David Howe, Attachment Across The Lifecourse.
Teenagers take on the role of putting themselves in time out. The child who is sent to their room, or otherwise put in time out, when they are young tends to become the teenager who locks themselves away in their room for hours on end when they’re not feeling so happy and breezy. They’ve learned that there isn’t a place for their hurt, grumpy and angry feelings in the family. They’ve likely internalized their parent’s rejection and unacceptance of their feelings, making it very difficult to maintain positive self-esteem when problems arise.
Aletha Solter offers lots of great advice in “raising drug-free kids”, which really focuses on raising children in such a way that they enter the teen years with healthy ways of managing uncomfortable feelings like social anxiety and anger. Avoiding punishments and keeping the lines of communication open when resolving conflicts are predictive of kids developing healthy emotional and social skills, while making them less susceptible to developing unhealthy coping strategies like alcohol or drug use, eating disorders or self-harming.
Developing a self-care mindset. Those whose feelings have been repeatedly listened to even when they’ve made mistakes or acted out are more likely to feel deserving of seeking a listening ear, and reaching out to their parent (or another trustworthy person) when big challenges arise. They are more likely to view their problems as just that, problems that need to be solved, rather than further evidence of there being something inherently wrong with them. They’re more likely to choose an activity of self-care that will help them back feel better, rather than going down a slippery slope of negative thoughts and actions.
It’s not easy for a parent to make these kind of connections, and as parents we don’t need to add more weight to our guilt or fears. Yet, the more informed we are about how the parent child daily dynamics contribute to how they’re learning to treat themselves and others, then the more equipped we are to upskill, to learn more effective ways of communicating, thereby breaking unhealthy generational cycles.
Genevieve Simperingham is a Psychosynthesis Counsellor, a certified Aware Parenting Instructor, parent educator, a blogger and public speaker. She’s been parenting with attachment principles from the beginning, her son is 21 and daughter 16. She runs the Peaceful Parent Institute in New Zealand and offers live and online events. Check out her website www.peacefulparent.com.
