Will I Ever Return?

Photography:Rachel Burt Photography

By Belinda Haan

I feel exhausted. 
This isn’t what I thought it would be. 
How can I love someone so much and yet desperately want them to go away? 

There is something wrong with me. 
I should be doing this better. 
Why am I not ‘enjoying every moment’? 

Wow, this is amazing. 
I don’t think I can do this. 
Is this my life now? 

I can’t believe I created such perfection! 
Will I ever have time to myself? 
Will I ever sleep for 8 hours in a row? 

I can’t believe how much love I have to give. 
My heart is going to burst open. 
I am so bored. Will excitement ever return? 

My brain won’t work anymore. 
What happened to me? 
Will I matter again? 
Will I ever return? 

Yes, I will return. 
And I will return a new and improved version – like a phoenix rising from the ashes. 
One who has never been stronger. 
One who has never been so grounded and humbled. 
One who has never loved so deeply. 
One who has never felt more compassion for mothers everywhere. 
One who has finally seen what I am capable of. 
So much more than I ever thought possible. 

“Motherhood is the steepest and fastest path to enlightenment.” (anon) 

Ain’t that the truth. 


Belinda Haan is a writer, advocate, and facilitator focused on re-writing the motherhood experience. She uniquely blends the best of psychology and heart to support women in their transition into motherhood. She is the founder of The Motherhood Gathering, which provides a loving container for women as they navigate the joy and full catastrophe of early motherhood. You can follow Belinda on FacebookInstagram and LinkedIn. 

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